I posted a bit ago about the demise of my relationship. I have been running over everything in my head, reading article after article. I can see huge parts of it being “he’s possibly a proper narcissist” and parts of it “my anxiety makes me weird.”
Every day, I go back and forth between the bad things I know he did and the good things I know he did. Why did I react in certain ways? Why did he say this one minute and contradict it the next? Why didn’t he try to understand my anxiety or listen when I said I was so depressed I couldn’t function properly? Did I ruin everything? Can anything ever be repaired? Is there even a point? Was any of it even real? Am I the fucking narcissist?
Was I being love-bombed and it didn’t matter how I reacted to anything, it always would have turned out this way? Did I finally have someone who actually loved me, and I ruined it all by having a broken brain?
All of my relationships up until this one have been so fucked up, and I dated him on the heels of yet another crappy boyfriend. Almost everyone has cheated on me, almost always it’s been dysfunctional, and I keep thinking… did I come in with severe baggage that I didn’t realize and screw it all up?
It’s fucking plaguing me so badly. Too much bad things have happened recently (work, home, family, money, you fucking name it), and I feel like nothing was ever quite right. It’s driving me nuts and I’m barely hanging on.