There is not much for me to do

I am not going to kill myself despite the fact there are times I want to my username says it all suicidal thoughts but refuse to kill myself my older brother is in jail which I already gave him some money which I am not suppose to do depending on your perspective on enabling which I am always 50/50 on and I am a 26 year old virgin too socially awkward to even ask a girl out wouldn’t mind buying myself a fucking shotgun just so I can blast my brains out, but I continue to keep myself alive I don’t know why maybe I am trying to justify my existence or trying to find my own purpose in life I am cutting back on the alcohol because I knew my mother was getting worried about me but it was actually helping me out it killed my suicidal thoughts I knew of the risks and benefits of alcohol I just didn’t give a shit now that I am sober it’ll all come back I am glad that I signed up in this website just to read some of these stories and hoping to keep myself alive in hopes of meeting a girl and getting married and having kids despite the fact or idea that I am not certain that is going to happen fuck if only some just murdered me and get this life over with but don’t worry I am just pouring my problems onto this website like some of us do despite the fact I refuse to kill my self.