Things seem so much more different. I think about you so much it hurts. I am so emotionally damaged after all these years I still think you are my band-aid. You emotionally break me down. I have not talked to you in a year. Stop walking in and out of my life. I have been stomped on. I have more shit on my plate than thinking about the should of’s or the what if’s. Thinking about you and how I wish I could talk to you. It hurts just even thinking about it. I think about all of those reasons. The reasons why I felt so alone or why I would cut myself or why I would use drugs.. It was because I relied on the person who told me they loved me, that if we were together by our senior year you were going to propose. Everything we went through together, you are like the one ex I can not just let go. I love you and I need to let you go. You are better off without me. I write this thinking about what you would say if I told you what happened.. How you would be there, and yet… I know I lost you August 23,2012. When you broke up with me, how empty and crushed I felt. I joined this website after … I tried to kill myself.. It was a tough breakup. People say they think I had every right to try and kill myself after what had happened. After all of the things I was dealing with at home.. You said that you still loved me last year. You had to forget me after.. You dropped out of school shortly after I went to treatment. You were the best thing that ever happened too me. When you asked me if I would go back to be with you and that we could try again, trust me I wanted too. I did what I thought was right and I went back to the current. I guess I still am angry, and with being raped almost a year ago.. I somehow was angry that I was not married to you living off somewhere.. that somehow I got myself in this situation.. I would of never met Rory. I would of never left for Michigan. I would of had you. I would of had what I wanted, and you were my world. I remember all of the hurt and the pain. How I badly I just want to run away from all of this. Leave where I am and just be with you. I miss you. I miss you so much. I hate how much I love you sometimes. You know me so well and the way you care.. Cris.. You will always be my band-aid. You make me feel better the best but you also know how to hurt me the most.
I am sorry. I guess I just wish I could just be in a place where none of this pain I feel right now could not be. I lost that part of me that knows how to be strong. I am weak.. You know after we broke up I never thought that I would of even gotten to talk to you now. I mean I just thought it would be like any other break up and it would stop hurting. It never has stopped hurting. I just want you back. I want to leave. I want to drop everything and go back. I just need you. I need to commit to leaving him and I know that.. I can save some money.. I hate how much of my heart you take up. You were my everything.. I said that already but its true. I thought about getting “you” tattooed.. Cris you were my first love. You still are. I guess I am not sure why I am so hung up on you and why you hurt so bad.
I hate thinking about you. It brings me some of the worst sadness and also some of the greatest joy. It’s hard because I also need to remember why I can’t go back to you. I guess I am still not really sure why 100% but I have some thoughts.
I blame myself for so many things. You leaving me was your choice and I know that.
I’m sorry for my rant, I do feel a little bit better,
Thanks,
Soup.