At Least I Tried

To understand, to listen, to apologize. Against all odds.

I suppressed my instincts. I trusted them at their word, tried to only see them for who they said they were. When I opened up, they lied to me. I felt it would be foolish to throw away a chance like that so I played along. I hoped my instincts were incorrect about everything, I hoped I was just damaged.  I wanted to have met someone good. I wanted to be wrong.

I was the one who felt violated after I was lied to, manipulated, and betrayed when I was at my most vulnerable. Violated in a way I never felt before. Yet, if I didn’t try… If I didn’t apologize on the improbable chance I was the one who was wrong. Incase their words to my friend weren’t just another manipulation, and they actually felt that I hurt or betrayed them in some way.  If despite all evidence and observation confirming the instincts I hated, I was mistaken or ignorant. If there was any ounce of truth to the person I chose to believe in. If I didn’t try to listen to what they had to say, I would mean I had lost who I am. What little sense of self I have.

When I learned of it, I was quick to run away. I said good bye and deleted them in a rush, trying to sort out what I was feeling. I regret not trying to talk to them then, or trying to get a reply and have an open discussion despite the chaos in my mind. Inspite everything confirming my instincts, I want to believe they weren’t malicious. I want to be wrong so desperately. How could anyone so kind be so hurtful. I was the one hurt, but I’m the one who wanted to say sorry, listen to them, and believe them. At least I tried. But whether it’s to avoid risk to their current lies to others, or because they feel I betrayed them in some way – they won’t try. I hope it’s for the latter… But my instincts say it’s the former.

But, today, at least I tried. At least after all of what’s happened, I haven’t lost my ability to try, even if I should know better.