The world is foreign to me in a lot of ways…things have changed. A lot. When I was young, I was shown that the world we lived in was very dangerous. If you were a girl you’d probably get raped at some point by someone — that was just reality. It could be anyone. My girlfriend was raped by her dad. Girls were essentially just sexual commodities (and we were young at the time). Boys, well we were trash. The motivated ones hustled to try and make money. Some of us became drug dealers or drug addicts. Most of us were drug addicts. Then there were the cowards — they kept their heads down and tried to wait it out, but at what cost? At the cost of their pride? At the cost of their morality. Most of us just beat each other up.
We were all so…raw. All the time. I remember back then I was always ready to hurt others. I would spend hours in front of the mirror getting my expression right. So I could be scary. So I could intimidate others. No makeup or anything — I would just spend hours fixing my face. Fixing my eyes. Fixing my stare. Fixing my smile. I didn’t care about my life. Live or die, I had no hope. I lived in despair, and I was always aware of death. I was always hungry to break something, always looking for the next piece of violence I could enact…on anyone.
I had a motto. I had this great motto, that I would never show anyone mercy. I would do everything for my own gain, even if it meant killing a man. Killing a woman. Killing a baby. I would do it, I convinced myself. I would do anything for my own sake. This was my reality. This was my mindset. I grew up filled with hate.
And then…somehow I got into college. Not just any college…a good college. Really prestigious. It was almost magical. I got my A’s in classes I liked, it was always a point of personal pride for me because I was very competitive by nature. But by no means was my GPA very good at all (I really didn’t care less about my GPA), and I didn’t have fancy extracurriculars or anything like this. Yet I got into college.
And I went. I left my hell behind, and I studied. And I came up against different challenges, of course. I grew up and learned about kindness, compassion, love, and ethics. I learned about the beauty of discipline, determination, and self control. I learned about hope. I learned temperance. I found my ideal, and finally figured out what it meant to be a good person (even if I was so far away from that notion).
Now, I have a job. I live in a bubble where no one is suffering. There is no more violence. Those around me spend their time playing videogames, eating, and working. Some have a wife and kids. They do whatever they want. They are happy. They are rich. They’re different from me…so different. They talk about violence so easily. They play “God of War”, and other violent games, and laugh and joke around. They talk about torture going on in China over lunch with smiles on their faces and are able to not puke. I get angry sometimes at how easily they talk about pain…but I guess I’m just different. That’s all.
I don’t fit in…and I feel there is no place for me. It’s as if my world never existed…I feel sometimes like an alien, transported here from an alternate universe. That’s how different it is. I spend most of my time (as I did in college) trying to not be scary. Trying to be unintimidating. I fix my face in front of a mirror now to look as harmless as possible. It’s a complete 180. I wonder if my skills are no longer required in the modern world I live in. Maybe the world is no longer dangerous? Maybe humanity has been fixed, saved, or whatever, and there are only old fossils like myself that live in fear of the past?
I wonder if all is well with the world, and everything I see is actually just colored by the past.