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Giving Up

by Teresa's Child

I don’t see the point anymore. I have no dreams left for the world to take from me. I have myself, and I’m thankful for that, I’m attached to that. I’m glad I have 2 arms, 2 legs, a brain, etc. I understand the value there.

But really I don’t have much else. Sometimes I wake up and I feel like I was born yesterday. All my life choices seem meaningless, fruitless, all my experiences seem to point to no logical conclusion. So I feel nothing. I don’t know how to deal with people. People who like me. People who dislike me. People who want to hurt me. People who want to love me. I don’t know what I should do about any of it.

Someone I know told me that I create narratives about others, stories about their motivations and intentions. He’s right, I do. I’m just that jaded, its just a natural thing to me. Someone I know creates narratives about herself. I wonder…if we’re all essentially just telling ourselves some sort of story to go through the days? And if we are, what’s the truth? Is there nothing? No reasons at all?

What about God? What about morality? Is that arbitrary as well? Is that just another narrative I’ve told myself? And if so, is there a point to any of these narratives?

I used to think it was enough that God was a beautiful idea, and morality was a beautiful concept. That alone made it worth believing in, for me. It was admirable.

But I’m not admirable. I hate myself. I hate the person I see every day in front of the mirror. At night I dream of the real me. Little evil me. Part of me thinks bad things when I see people. Violent thoughts. Horrible thoughts that make me cringe.

It’s the part of me that looks at a split wrist and thinks ‘well, don’t need two wrists.’ Its the part of me that let an innocent person die in front of my eyes. It’s the part if me that wants to grin when I see homeless people, or others that suffer. When my co-workers dad died, this part of me wanted to try and rub salt in that wound.

It’s broken. This part of me is broken. It hates everything. It fears everything. It wants to ruin lives. My life too. It wants me to suffer. It wants me to inflict suffering.

I’m tired. I’m so tired of living with myself. So tired of trying to change. Trying to cope. Trying to live with myself. I can’t get close to anyone because of this demon. I can’t form a meaningful relationship. I am stuck. So stuck.

What’s the point of it all. A life full of restraint, starving myself. All so I can survive day to day, and die miserable and unfulfilled. What a joke.

God.

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SleeplessMind 6/18/2018 - 11:14 pm

Mordred,
I know you have been fighting this demon for a long time, and you acknowledge it is there. May be an odd question, but have you ever considered that it may not be a part of you, but rather a haunting of your being? A “succubus” in a way. I feel like you are inherently good and this demon is essentially ‘poking’ at you to wear you down until you snap. Have you tried to say to it ‘demon ,you are not welcome in my presence’ ? (literally spoken out loud to refuse it’s welcome) may sound odd but I’ve seen weird shit, lived in a former fineral home/mortuary. (complete with corpse cubbies)
Tell it to leave. Tell it that it has no right to be there- out loud with confidence.

Mordred 6/18/2018 - 11:54 pm

Thank you for the response SleeplessMind. I’ve definitely had that thought before (I’ve had a lot of strange thoughts about this little evil me). I haven’t said those exact words, but I have tried to treat that part of me as a separate being, and I’ve…told it to go away.

It sometimes does. Some co-workers look at me funny because sometimes I just mutter “shut up” randomly, and it helps. The thoughts eventually stop, for a little while. But it never goes away for good. I always have to be prepared for it to come out.

I don’t think it’s a demon or anything like that…mostly because in my experience, we don’t need demons to make us evil. We humans are really the pinnacle of all evil in this world — that’s been my experience, at least.

abraxas 6/19/2018 - 6:55 am

Hey man. I do agree the world can be a malevolent place. Sometimes desolate in the desert of the mind. That monstrous part of ourselves — human part of us, demons aside is enough to create that disgust and disdain for the species.

What helped me reconcile this is learning we are selfish machines wired this way through natural selection and our drives to survive and replicate. Our instincts. When i began to see us as animals it has helped take away some of the hatred. Animals with elevated or expanded consciousness that is.

As for the dreams. The invisible world that you own; those never die. They are inside waiting to rise. When you say shut up to that other part of yourself — also say “soul rise up”. Trust me you will feel your soul stand up strong. Those dreams have been growing Mordred, incubation in the darkness. You are never alone.

I see our experience, including spiritual, as that emerging from consciousness. My past understanding of god was definitely an all too common narrative thats been pushed on humanity. I see it as a good thing that you question those narratives and stories because now new ones can be written — some based on actual experience. Where true strength is formed. Endurance is the key — you seem to have it.

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