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Hard day

by checherose555

Just feeling very broken. I just had a good weekend around friends, but I feel like all of the emotional energy may have triggered something sad or dark. Idk if it happens that way for others? I’m trying but I’ve already cried a few times today.

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bd2342f2 6/26/2018 - 1:20 pm

Socializing is like a drug. Everything can be fine in the moment but afterwards you can be alone in your head and the pain-killing effects start to ware off.

If you have a good reason to be sad, then you should explore it and try to deal with it so that you don’t become dependent on your time with your friends as a distraction from it. But if you don’t have a good reason and it’s just a chemical imbalance, or you just need some help; anti-depressants can therapy is always worth a try if you haven’t already.

Casino96 6/26/2018 - 3:40 pm

I’m able to handle it better now, but back even a year or so ago I’d pretty much be in a state of actively wanting to die as soon as I started driving back home. They’re my best friends but I hide things from them that are now inseparable from my personality, because at least that way I keep the story moving. Not to mention they’re almost always doing better than I am, and all I have are fake emotions; it’s a weird, terrible feeling when fake emotions fade and you’re fighting the numbness coming back.

checherose555 6/29/2018 - 3:38 pm

Thank you. I do feel like I’m coming down from a high. Sometimes its so overwhelming that I want to lock myself up for a few days.
I think I have valid reasons to be sad, but those reasons aren’t going away. It’s a long story that will depress me to tell, so I won’t go there..but basically I am completely overwhelmed with responsibilities (all kinds) and I am emotionally overloaded. I don’t have anyone to cover me, so I can’t take a break. On the outside i have the appearance of handling everything really well. Inside, I’m a f*cking mess and constantly inside my own head; which causes me to break down periodically.
I’ve been in this cycle for the last 15 years. This is probably the first time I’ve ever actually said it to anyone (and I’m still not really saying it).
In the last five years, twice, I’ve just booked a hotel room and turned my phone off for 24 hours. That usually helps. But lately I feel like I’m having more intense emotions when I am alone, and thinking about random awful things from the past. I have an excellent memory, which does not help.
I have come to realize that I have also had a mild level of anxiety, which is getting worse. I know I need help but I can’t ask. I don’t know how.

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