I should’ve killed myself back at 2006

I will never forget the abuse I have been through.

To be blackmailed by my own brother.  To be let down by my own father.

To understand at young age, (I was only 9 at 2006) , to understand that your parents have brought you to the world unprepared for dealing with their own demons.

At age 5, they divorced.  It isn’t such a bad thing.  The main problem wasn’t the divorce, but it was them.  They both, self knowingly, have hurt me this way or another. And my big brother, and only, have blackmailed me for 2 years, to serve him with food all the fucking years.  What an asshole.  I don’t even understand how I didn’t call for help or tried to suicide.

I’m 21 now, I’m 21 now with a fucked up mom, a jobless big brother, and a rich father living somewhere 20 miles away from me with his new family (new kids and wife)  and he doesn’t even help.

None help.  I, for some reason, have to make things in myself.  I can’t understand this at all.  How can you cope with so much but eventually you end up being so different?  I mean, I don’t feel comfortable around other people my age, I find them immature.  I’m also jealous of them.  I have to see my mother crying each day or another about how she fucked her life up.  I have to hear my father come back to my life once in a year or two, and he is screening on me his own mental problems.

I’m so fucking fed up with everything that I just want to run away.

This isn’t a life.

This is a jail.  This is a nightmare and I can’t fucking wake up.

I’m not looking for anything good. I’m having fun when I’m alone.  I can enjoy that simple, scream less, soundless, painless  time.

I can’t bare to be around people with disabilities.  Whether it is a mental one or a physical one.  I don’t need anymore of those people.

None in my life was mentally strong like I am.  There was none stable.    I had to grew up in a wasteland.

Now this wasteland is on fire and I’m thinking about jumping into the water and swimming away.  But I guess it is the easy way out?

I know that tomorrow I’m going to wake up differently, with more strength to cope, and that tomorrow I’ll decide to just try and put off the fire on the wasteland.

No matter what I choose, I just wanted to share.  Don’t be a burden to others.  Cope with your shit.

stay strong, be brave

Jac.