Its All My Fault

I am still a young fellow. To me, grades were almost my entire life. 

But now, nothing matter to me anymore. I just want to give up everything. My Grades. People Around Me. School. Myself. My Life. 

I constantly told myself that many people had suffered worst traumas and life experiences than me, so I should stop being such a big baby and just let go. 

I am used to letting go of the things people had done to me, no matter how bad it was. I would just pretend everything was a simple matter and try to solve the problem as fast as I could. 

But at one moment, I just shattered.

I couldn’t take it anymore, but yet I still hold it in. Not because I had to or was forced to, but because I didn’t want to be labelled the burden or childish brat. 

None of my friends would understand how much pain and nightmares I had come across. It hurts me to see them being so “open” about how sad or how depressed they felt (In their stories, that was their view of what depression means, but I argued otherwise). Honestly, Idk what that feeling was. I would describe it as blue flames fuming out of my brain and end up burning my heart. I’d still gave them a smile and comfort. I told myself I shouldn’t show how much I was hurting while others were suffering because that was not the right thing to do. No matter how much anger or pain I felt towards them. It wasn’t their fault, it was mine. 

Its my fault that I bottled it in. Its my fault that I was constantly going insane for no reason. Its my fault that I didn’t reach out to anyone. I made myself this way and there is nothing I could do to change it.