I try not to post too much sh*t about myself here. It’s funny to me that even amongst a group of outcasts I still don’t feel like I belong. I don’t think I belong anywhere. I’m half convinced my existence is painful because I wasn’t supposed to survive. Like trying to fit in negative space.
Tonight was a record low and no one will likely ever know about it or care, but I still feel the need to chronicle it, so here I am. For documentation purposes.
Here’s the thing about me, I strive to please the people I view are important out of some pathetic desire to feel some iota of self-worth. I let these people use me, I crave approval. Being a disappointment literally makes me lose my mind. I have severe anxiety over not being good enough. This was never a hugely significant thing until I started my current job. I now work for a company that drives home every day that YOU are not significant. You are easily replaced. You do not f*cking matter. Since starting there I’ve had multiple panic attacks.
That was the case tonight. I have been bending over backwards to try to do exactly what my supervisor asks of me, but they keep moving the d*mn target. I left for the night holding back the panic rising in my chest until I got to my car in the parking lot where I finally curled up into a ball on the asphalt to try and get my worthless ass together before driving home. My s/o was literally ten feet away in their car the entire time. They usually park right next to me. They got out and walked into our place of employment without even noticing.
I have never felt so small and insignificant in my life.
I could hear cars driving around me but no one even stopped to ask why the f*ck my dumbass was curled up just waiting to get hit. I wish someone had hit me. I’m now not entirely convinced I’m not invisible, though I don’t know why that was ever a question. I just have to look back to my high school years for proof.
I came home and made a half-hearted attempt to hang myself. Came close to passing out a few times, but this isn’t how it’s going down. I’m OCD and a perfectionist so I know when I do it for real, there will be no taking it back.
S/O called twice shortly after I gave up the will to pretend, but I didn’t answer. I don’t want to talk to you. You don’t see me. It’s not your fault, I can hide in plain sight apparently.
As if all of this wasn’t enough of a mental drain.. then this sh*t happens.
I fell asleep while laying on my bed and had a nightmare. It started out with some normal creeper horror movie trash, nothing that would have made a horror genre buff like myself flinch and then it took a sharp left turn and someone began to puke and just… would. Not. Stop. I close my eyes and I cover my ears and I try so hard to block it out, but I can’t. I f*cking can’t. I’m trapped in the situation I avoid like the plague and when I wake up I squeeze my eyes shut again and cover my head with my arms and I deteriorate into a mixture of broken sobs and hyperventilation because I just can’t deal. I’m afraid to go back to sleep.
I’m emetophobic. I have a very real fear of vomit and vomiting. It’s stupid as h*ll I know, but it wouldn’t be a phobia if it were rational. Honestly, considering how often it’s used as a gag or a gritty visual in movies and television enough to the point where I can mostly grit through it if it’s brief. Anyway, my point is.. to have your own mind blind side you and corner you in a situation it f*cking KNOWS terrifies you. That is some seriously twisted, self-destructive behavior.
I’m pretty sure the fear comes from the fact that I ODed on Tylenol as a small child. A situation I only half remember.
And that ladies and gents, brings me full circle to my opening statement. I wasn’t supposed to survive.
If anyone actually read this, jesus, I’m sorry. Seriously, go watch some fluffy kitten videos on youtube or something. You deserve it.
9 comments
Thanks vanguardview for sharing your thoughts tonight at this hour.
My mind always goes to the scariest thoughts unimaginable.
I have nightmares where everything is normal and dandy, when my reality is all messed up.
We’ll the nightmare is really waking up to reality. And I’m scared to go to sleep because of these dreams.
I was really close to killing myself by hanging these past week or two.
But I hope you post more of yourself and thoughts here so I can read them.
How old are you?
I’m a 32 year old male.
Yea, nightmares are f*cked. Are yours vivid? Most of the time I can remember everything that happened in mine. I used to write them down.
The most interesting dream I had was of drowning in the ocean. You know that feeling when you jump feet first into a pool and you get pulled down before you can start to rise to the surface again? It was like that, except I just kept getting pulled deeper. Tried to swim to the surface but there came a point where I just knew I wasn’t going to make it and I gave up. Surrendered to it. I wasn’t afraid, just resigned. It was surreal.
Anyway, I see you post a lot around here. Not just your own stuff but in almost every one of the threads I’ve lurked. Offering a sympathetic ear if nothing else. So thanks for being there for the group. I know your situation is rough, but I hope you know you’re appreciated.
I’m 31.
@vanguardview
Thanks yes my dreams sometimes are very vivid as if I were right there, some dreams I could not distinguish from reality.
I really don’t like having dreams.
I think the reason I post so frequently here is because I feel that almost no one understands how I feel, but it seems a lot of people here feel the same way I do.
I can’t really hang out with my friends because they are more cheerful than I am.
I feel like I rather talk to people that understand how I feel.
Those youtube kitten video’s are awesome.. They do somethong funny and you just have to laugh at it. Doesnt matter if you dont wanna laugh It just comes out loudly. I vote for
More of em
Right?
I happen to have an affinity for the ones where they try to make a jump and miss entirely. You just don’t expect it from a a member of a species that is usually some form of tiny super ninja.
It’s relatable on a level.
Hey VV, I don’t feel like I belong here either. But I post the odd message anyway because a) it is anonymous, b) of any group of real or virtual people, this seems to be able to empathathise the most.
I was intrigued by the word emetophobic – I had never heard of it before. My fear is different – I fear general anaesthetic because I am afraid of what I might say. I have never told anyone in the real world what happened to me when I was a teenager and I don’t want to do it by accident. Stupid really – it’s so long ago maybe it no longer matters.
Do you think you are in the right job? Is there any possibility of changing it? Although your response (curling up on tarmac) seems extreme no matter what the job. Why do you think you did that?
Thread isn’t letting me reply to individual posts so I’ll slap them both in one.
@definitelyworried
Can’t say I mind dreams as a whole, but mine are so far from my own reality they’re completely unrelatable. I could definitely see how a dream where everything was like your real life, but without the pain and suffering could be a mind f*ck.
I think a lot of the people here can relate. Most of us can’t talk to outsiders in our own life because they don’t care/understand. People ask us all the time “how are you today?” and we have to say “fine” and leave it at that because you know nobody actually wants to hear what the real deal is. Here though, seems like it’s easier to say how you really feel and find that people on the board can actually relate or are willing to listen!
It’s such a small thing, but it brings so much solace.
@snoopy41
I agree that it seems easier to vent your grievances here because everyone appears to be in a similar boat.
Honestly, though I’ve had the phobia for a majority of my life I didn’t even realize it was a phobia until about ten years ago when I discovered there was a legitimate name for it and a website with a forum similar to this one to support people who are emetophobic and it was huge. I remember being surprised by the amount of people registered to it. Wasn’t my scene though so I never stuck around.
I don’t think it’s stupid to be afraid of people finding out some secret part of your past. I get it. No matter how long ago it happened if it’s something thst still affects you then it matters. Don’t think I’m familiar with your story. Why wouldn’t you want anyone to find out what happened to you?
I hate my job, which is terrible because it’s a much better job than most people have but it’s not the holy grail people still associate it to be. Not anymore.
It’s also not what I ever imagined myself doing but the money and benefits are too good to give up in this shit economy. Even making the kind of money I make I can barely afford my rent and food. Everything is so f*cking expensive. I’m slowly being throttled.
Lol. I tend to curl in on myself during panic attacks anyway, going full fetal might have just been due to the circumstances? I couldn’t say for sure. They don’t always happen the same way every time so I never really know what to expect. Always fun.
@vanguardview
Yes I hate when people ask me how I’m doing, because I always have to lie to them everything is ok.
My close friends I have to tell them to get away from me, I tell them because I’m trying to build the courage to hang myself, and I don’t want to hurt them. They do give me my space, but they call every now and then to check up on me, sometimes I don’t snswer, but when I feel that I can’t go through with it, I’ll answer their calls.
Man I wish I could just die in my sleep painlessly, I would want that today.
@vanguardview
There are several reasons. Firstly, the person who was the adult at the time is still alive. I don’t want to cause him difficulties, and it would. Secondly, I don’t want the people around me to look at me like I’m damaged – soiled goods. And finally, I don’t believe that it would ever stay within a small group of people, and I don’t want it to be ‘public’ gossip.
I agree that ‘how are you’ can be really irritating. What purpose does it serve if the only acceptable response is equivalent to ‘fine’? Although I sometimes have difficulty with ‘what are you doing’ / ‘what did you do over the weekend’ as well. Truthful responses might include ‘browsing SP’, or ‘arranging my tax affairs and will in the event of my death’.
No one wants to hear that!