My last day I find myself at the centre of lost, I smile at the check out people the note pad I will write my last words to my family and friends, as I buy the poison I will take later.
I ride for hours circling the city and subburbs to find the place I’ll write my last words. I take in the beauty of the places I pass as I feel the emptiness scream at me. I think what I will write, how much pain I will cause the ones I love by what I’m going to do.
I have support there but can’t see reaching out doing anything but bringing disappointment in the eyes of people. Make me feel like I’ve failed them no matter how much I know they’ll say otherwise.
I’m 24, have no real reason to be depressed. Here I am regardless. I have done every spontaneous thing I can think of in my life to feel something and none have turned out to help this desire to not exist.
I am loved and love, have loved. And have always been able to leave feeling and knowing it will be best for them. I can’t continue to disappoint if I don’t have the chance.
Only people going through what I am can truly understand how it feels to not feel.
I have nothing but more underachieving and self sabotage ahead. I always have screwed up every good opportunity, connection and experience I’ve had for no reason.
Only thing hard about this is that final blunt pain I will cause. But saves more pain I will inflict to everyone around me.
9hrs til I take in my last meal so to speak.
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Hello