I walk among people in public, see them smiling laughing, conversing with one another and I don’t get it. I can’t comprehend why they’re happy. I can no longer connect joy to living. Its stressful for me to be around people that are happy. It’s akin to being in the same room with someone with whom you have nothing in common, someone with whom you are opposites. Looking at them I am completely disconnected from them. I don’t understand what they’re so happy about and why. Why they see joy and meaning in life and I don’t. It’s becoming increasingly more difficult to be around people in any circumstance. The perspective I have is nothing is worth the effort required because I simply can’t comprehend the point of the importance that others place on participating in life.
As evidenced by the recent celebrity suicides, possessing wealth of any kind whether material or non-material, makes little difference in our helping us find joy. For some of us we simply can’t find happiness on any level. Life has become a prison sentence for us. Walking through each day just wanting to get through it, hoping it will end and hoping the next day does not begin. Life has become a venture that is simply not worth the time and energy it requires. It is empty and pointless. Joy means nothing as it immediately turns to ash. We’ve lost our way with no real true desire to find it or perhaps we have been lost all along. That’s what it is for me. Nothing matters. No hope. No prospect of enjoyment. I have done and seen all I need to. I have no desire to live out my existence in the traditional manner. I just don’t care.
Having to pretend all day in front of colleagues and family that I’m not feeling the depths of what I’m feeling. Care Providers while they hear my words I don’t think they understand how black it really is; how deep the hole really goes and the depths of my emptiness. Unless you’ve experienced it, you can’t know. I’m tired. Plain and simple. Exhausted mentally and physically and spiritually void. I’m tired of leaning on and depending on other people for what I’m not getting out of life. Those few that do know where my head goes continue to cheer me on and promise better days ahead, but they don’t have my perspective and I’m unable to understand theirs. I want out. I want peace. I want an end. One I can’t return from. I want to experience complete silence, total blackness. The total void of light, sound, and consciousness; to cease to exist in any form or on any plain. I WILL make it happen. It WILL be how I exit this world. I will make it painful and tragic but with the end goal of nonexistence in mind.
3 comments
you are so right about life being pointless
This is well written. The first paragraph brought two ideas to mind:
1.) I still find reproduction inscrutable because there is so much pain in each and every life.
2.) I still find happiness to be only an intermittent state of being.
Yeah, I’m only happy on the road I suppose. Prefer solitude.. I look around, see the traditional way, think “Bleck. Get me out of this way!” Everyone’s the same here. Pure evil. Reminds me of some vicious march of clones 🙂
I don’t want to get older.
But I think when you say they are talking, laughing, they are probably trying to show off, entertain themselves, or appear as big shots. Maybe they are really happy, maybe they aren’t. Happiness is personal, I suppose. Maybe they have to be here so they grin and bear it.