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Life kicked me in the ass, I just want a friend

by itzkourt

My step father molested me all the time from when i was 8-9. I felt hopeless because i tried to tell my mom but i thought she was going to get mad at ME and punish ME because i had no clue what it was but i just let it happen. I feel like she knew though but tried to deny it. My biological father and family lives in Florida and I live in Georgia. If I lived down there with them then maybe I wouldve been able to tell them, up here I had nobody but my mom to tell and she let me down. I let this damage me for years and I used to blame myself for everything and cut my skin and hit myself with umbrellas and try to attempt suicide by drinking mouthwash (i was young). I learned in the 8th grade about the laws and stuff and my teacher spoke about everything in a SERIOUS tone, she brought up molestation and spoke on it. Thats when it hit me clearly that it wasnt my fault. I told my mom, she was shocked and hurt and said she believes me, she brought my step father in the room to ask him and he calmly denied it, no shock or anger or anything and he didnt seem surprised by what was said. My mom said she believed me but she kept him in the house for almost a full year. I was also getting humiliated in school almost every day. I spent many months in the dark of my room refusing to come downstairs to eat because he was sitting in the living room getting away with what he had done to me, happy as can be. I tried to commit suicide when I had just turned 15 and it took 4 treatments there ..because i kept coming back.. and a professional therapist to tell my mom that i was telling the truth, for her to believe me and THATS when she decided to kick him out the house. I was still not fitting well in school so i focused on My schoolwork but really, on the inside, i was doing it for my mom to see that im worth something. I couldnt care less about a diploma, but i was doing it for her. I told her i wasnt going to prom or graduation, though i WAS graduating, and she told me that she didnt care if she was going or not By choice. Then even though i was doing it all for her, Only to be told that “Wow!!! You’re actually graduating?! I need to give you money!!” ….. she had no faith in me whatsoever, even though i went through anorexia, mental breakdowns where i lost my self worth, social isolation, and wearing the same clothes every day. She really didnt see me as anything with potential. Maybe if i was bad, fought in school, swore at my teachers, stabbed my step father in the eyeball while he was sitting in the couch, skip classes, do drugs and smoke weed, Maybe my life wouldve been better. I graduated and i refuse to go to college. Life already kicked my ass and fighting for what everybody else is going to get, is honestly a waste of time. I dont see anything in myself and im constantly looking for the love I wishe i had, settling for the least even if i can just get an ounce of love from it. Living the big materialistic life is just not for me and not going to make me happy. I just wanted a friend.

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T3R3Z1 6/28/2018 - 12:36 pm

You looking for a friend? You feel so alone I’m sorry for you. Come talk to me on discord mate. Dayniol#1639
do not hesitate I’ll be waiting for you.

bd2342f2 6/28/2018 - 6:06 pm

If you need another friend, or just want to talk; T3R3Z1 has my discord, or you can visit my profile ( /author/bd2342f2/ ) for my email.

You deserve love, and you deserve to love yourself. You should want to get your diploma for yourself, and your future. If your mother not congratulating you hurt you like that, you should express how you wanted her to be proud of you. But even if she isn’t (which I doubt but possible), you should be proud of yourself. You owe yourself that much, at least.

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