June 12th, 2018by thehusk

I have so many conflicting desires, impulses, feelings, and perceptions. I can feel that something is the most wonderful and important thing in the world, and a few hours later it will seem terrible and utterly worthless. My motivations and emotions fluctuate so much from day to day. My perspective on reality swings back and forth at a terrifying rate. I don’t know how to live with it.

How do you act in a coherent way when you know that in a few hours your thinking will shift, and you will want to undo any progress that you’ve made? That your beliefs about what is important will have reversed. That your previous commitments will seem meaningless and futile.

In order to exist within society we need to act like we’re one consistent self, who can be trusted to function somewhat predictably. Our instinct to survive must suppress the parts of us that cannot fit within that. I suppose that my social survival instinct is too weak to maintain control. I lack the necessary social development to conform without questioning it.

As a result, all the contradictory parts of my character are able to take temporary control.

I am not one thing. I am many, conflicting, contradictory things. And I don’t know how to live with that fact.

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