I have so many conflicting desires, impulses, feelings, and perceptions. I can feel that something is the most wonderful and important thing in the world, and a few hours later it will seem terrible and utterly worthless. My motivations and emotions fluctuate so much from day to day. My perspective on reality swings back and forth at a terrifying rate. I don’t know how to live with it.
How do you act in a coherent way when you know that in a few hours your thinking will shift, and you will want to undo any progress that you’ve made? That your beliefs about what is important will have reversed. That your previous commitments will seem meaningless and futile.
In order to exist within society we need to act like we’re one consistent self, who can be trusted to function somewhat predictably. Our instinct to survive must suppress the parts of us that cannot fit within that. I suppose that my social survival instinct is too weak to maintain control. I lack the necessary social development to conform without questioning it.
As a result, all the contradictory parts of my character are able to take temporary control.
I am not one thing. I am many, conflicting, contradictory things. And I don’t know how to live with that fact.
7 comments
All parts to a system, have to stay well oiled to run properly.. or whatever that means upon you.
I think we all go through that spin cycle. Society as a whole goes through it, too, albeit on a much longer timeline. Welcome to being human. There’s a reason Jung talked about the human mind through archetypes.
You know how? You need to forget about everything. Start over. There needs to be a balance in your mind. If you think about one thing too much… then you know what happens. Don’t think of yourself as a problem if its that bad. Its what makes you you. When you start over, your whole body has to get the message, only then will your mind accept your thing, as you.
Sounds like borderline personality disorder lol!
I have same problem and it’s nightmare. Life has gotten so complicated I get sad that I can’t see a way forward.
I can relate.. It’s as though all things in the mind are taking the place of Schrödinger’s cat. Both alive and dead.
Ffs
Agreed. Though personally i think i;d rather be dead than contrive some way of pretending to move in the same way socially as the people around me.
Of course i realize that without this social competence the only solution is death and destruction but there doesn’t seem to be an alternative.
The logic of my mind is the logic of my mind. I can’t help what makes sense to me rationally and i can’t believe in things that seems logically absurd to me in order to move in the ways of my peers, co-inhabitors etc.