My problems, I guess

I just feel like venting, generally my entire life i have been just bottling up my shit. i learned how to deal with my emotions and im quite intelligent in that regard, but i have just always kept what i thought and what i felt to myself. because that was easier for everybody around me. my mom was always pretty set on teaching me things about my emotions. she was raped and was a shut in and all of that untill she met my dad, my dad was abused as a kid and never learned to handle his emotions or anger, he is an alcaholic although he is trying to kick off. the cycle continues i guess, he would abuse i me guess, he pushed me down a flight of stairs, he pinned me against the wall by my throat, he punched me, kicked me, locked me in my room in the dark (which i was insanely scared of because i had extremely vivid night terrors as a kid ) and made me cry myself to sleep. this kind of stopped around when i was 11. he is always angry and will just hold you and scream into your face, thats just what he does and i have come to except that he doesnt think about what he says before he says things. and thats ok. thats what my mom taught me, that when you cant change the world around you that you can only change yourself. and i learned to accept that my dad is an autistic retard spaz that cant keep himself in check. i had a friend called logan when was 5 all the way untill i was 8, he would torment me and beat me but i would just stick by his side through everythng because his parents where going through a divorce which was hard for him. i stayed loyal even when i was being kicked on the ground. my best friend of 5 years now also has an obsession with hitting me and insulting me and kicking me. maybe i just attract people that want to hurt me. when i was 7 i met my older half brother, Aaron. Aaron was extremely asperges, this comes most likely as a result of him being the child of my dad and his cousin. my half brother and half sister are incest children. Aaron was everything to me, i looked up to him, so much. i was like a little disciple of his. we used to play warhammer together and talk about made up shit and make up new country’s and planets and we would paint models. he came to live with us when i was 7 and he was 14, he moved out a year later because my parents were more strict than his mom, who would let him do drugs and drink. after he moved out i found out he kept a little .22 and weed in his closet. he was a dealer at his school when he was 14. my parents say that when he left i just layed on his bed and refused to eat. i dont remember that but apparently i would just not budge and i would lie on his bed crying for a week. i remember going to visit aaron an chloe ( my older half sister ) for christmas when i was 9, i only remembered recently that chloe molested me. i completely forgot and it came back to me really fuzzy. it doesnt really affect me that much but its relevant in the way that thats another thing im dealing with. chloe also lived wth us for a year, but was forced to go live back with her mother because her mother was pregnant again with a baby (zion) who needed to be raised and the mother was too out of it. my sister needed to mother a child at the age of 13. when i was eleven and we had financial issues my parents decided to start a new chapter of my life. we were going to move to holland, it was all fun and games untill school started 2 days after i arrived. i immediatly noticed how grey everything was. the netherlands has no heart, everything about it is grey, even the people wear grey, and so did i after a while.
i was bullied for the next 6 months. i had shoes thrown at me because i was different, i had my hair pulled ( im a guy with long hair) i had been screamed and yelled at by other students for no reason. i had been sworn at and stepped on. i had been run into poles and had people hit me in the crotch. i fucking hated it. it was a christian school too, i met a friend there, janno. who ( same as me ) thought it was stupid we were forced to pray every morning. me and him would refuse to pray. he was the only one that was nice to me, but i never was a close friend to him. we just didnt click in that way. maybe because he didnt beat me or make me feel bad. i transferred to another school and that was that for my elemantry and middle school carreer. while i was going through middle school, i heard more and more stories about what my older sister and brother were up to on the other side of the world. they were breaking into houses and cars, doing drugs and getting drunk. getting into fights and being arrested. i missed them but i hated them for leaving me, it broke me to see them refuse our familys help and instead hurt me and leave us. but i put that behind me. it around this time i started thinking about suicide and killing other people. it sounds super fucked up and wierd but i just thought about it all the time, i would sit in class and imagine shooting and stabbing my classmates. also it would help to mention that i have had an extreme obsession with weapons and guns since i was young. i have never shot a firearm yet i know quite a bit about them and have mastered archery and was sharpening knives and blades since i was 13.
my first suicidal crisis was when i was 12, my grades were slipping and i was put under pressure by my parents. they said that if i didnt make it ( 14 subjects and if i failed 2 i would be put down to a lower school ) i considered suicide seriously and also considered homocide as a 13 year old. i had a bow and i had acces to machetes and other blades. i could do it. but it was just a 1 – 2 day thing and i decided i wouldnt because fuckit i dunno.
i have considered suicide at least once a day or at least thought about suicide at least once a day since. im 16 now. my parents are divorced now. i have a girlfriend who loves me now. chloe is living with us after she had her own crisis and cut her arms up and almost died. i have never cut. my dad is still angry and an alcaholic. i cannot talk to my mom because she works hard to sustain our family. too hard, i couldn’t ever put her under the pressure of what i feel. never. Aaron stabbed his step dad and has served time in prison. hes a meth addict who has a child now. i loved him, then i hated him, now i dont know him. i was hired at a supermarket but i slept in this morning. my dad freaked out and screamed at me. he mocked me for how i sharpen knives and how i am obsessed with weapons. i make jokes about homocide and suicide but with a little push i feel like i might go over the edge. i have had months were i would go to school and hate everyone and everything, and i would see all of them dead in my minds eye. i have been this way since forever. i found old drawings of mine from when i was 6 and it was of dead people and me writing down stuff like “die for the cause”and “he was met by the guillotine” maybe i was meant to do this. maybe i was meant to kill. i dont want to, not really. but maybe that is my destiny. in 2 hours im going to get fired from my job.
in 3 hours im going to be yelled at by my parents. in 4 hours im going to by lying in my bed, tears leaking out of my eyes without me crying. because i have forgotten how to make sound while crying because my dad would get angry when he heard me cry. i feel marginally better after writing all this. have a nice day.