one that’s less jumbled up, or so i thought

June 11th, 2018by treetop506

I am tired of it all. Moreso stuck in a space where, I want to do things, but I don’t see the point. I don’t have much going for me. I used to write in high school, but my best writing only came about when there was a person of interest in my life (except for one piece. but it was just a cover of myth of sisyphus. Still nice though). Not much luck there. I don’t offer good advice and my level of discernment regarding humans is incredibly low, so I don’t know how I could be a therapist. I am patient and I love listening to others, but that’s not what the job is entirely. and i don’t want to be those losers who milk their patients for money. that’s not why they come to you. I want to get to the bottom of it just like I’m trying to get to the bottom of my problem, which I’ve yet to find what it is. I just feel, nothing. I merely go to work, come home, smoke, music, sleep. wake up. do it again. when I had *her* from the last post, everything became clearer. I had a structure. I had composed a spire even! I was ready to climb to the top, girl I couldn’t even dream of on my back, and scream in the glorious aura of triumph that I had finally did it. but come on lol life doesn’t work that way. In fact i got SHITTED on. IT WAS AN INSIDE JOB i tell you! Lol (excuse the multitude of lols please) I blinded myself to things I shouldn’t have. I didn’t want to believe that she was actually… Not on the same wavelength as me. Once I confirmed this doubt (which personally, I feel was never a problem until i mentioned it. But so goes the toxicity of insecurity.) she never spoke to me again. it’s so awkward at work now. she leaves in 4 days and i feel drained of everything. I don’t want to do anything, but I know I have to or I will just be stuck. and i don’t want to be stuck. It’s either I do something while I’m here, or I book my ticket to paradise. I could go on all day. but I’ve adopted this saying, “The degree of significance.” It states that nothing I say, do, think is important, and so it is not worth sharing, acting upon, or worth anything. so pretty much, I just end up with a bottle of whine as i try to solve this “COMPLEX” problem. I make minimum wage. I live with a friend at his parent’s house. We want to move-in fact we HAVE to move. His parents are divorcing and are selling the house. Now we have to save money. I am absolutely terrible with money. I can barely save a hundred dollars from my paycheck only because i couldn’t find something to spend it on. I really, really don’t want to go home. I’ve been offered a second chance, on top of that a high paying hard labor job. I need a car. I need money. I need her. I teared up at the thought of typing that. Not only is it kinda cute, but it’s true. I need her. She’s the pragmatic sword to shred through my idealistic bamboo. She really got me out of where I was, which was an even worse spot. I need her, and I won’t stop until I know I can have her. I CAN AND I WILL BE SOMETHING or else. There’s always the or else. But I know I can do it. I don’t have much time. I do not want to be forgotten, and I refuse to stand by and watch her leave and I can’t do anything about it. I have got to act. I have got to DO SOMETHING. and for god’s sake, I fucking will. If not for her, for me. For my dreams. So I won’t ever have to think about responsibilities ever again. I want to win. Despite all of these losses, I HAVE to win. Life’s a war with many losing battles, but it can be won. Please, if any of you read this, do not give up. Please.

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