I came across this site while looking for painless ways to euthanize myself and figured id share my story. Ill keep it as short as possible. Im only 27 and i cant do another 27 years. The human condition feels like a prison sentence and im just marking the days till i get out. I had a physically abusive father. I had pills shoved down my throat for behavioral problems from when i was 5 to 13 or so when i just stopped taking them cause they werent working and made symptoms worse. I got heavily into recreational drugs and was a polysubstance abuser but recently quit. In 2008 i had a sharp pain in my stomach. I waited for 3 years before i went to the hospital because of fear of bills. I was diagnosed with something, prescribed antibiotics and it never went away. went back to the e.r. a few times and same thing every time. I finally got insurance and went to a private gastroenterologist recently. I was diagnosed with ANOTHER disease as well. I have three really painful and chronic medical disorders. None of the medicines been working. My depression just gets worse as well. Everytime i think im at rock bottom i just keep freefalling. I cant hold a job at all, i still live at home and i just feel like a burden on my family. In all the worldly sense of the word i am a failure and a burden on society. Im pretty much useless to everyone. Even now im sure im emotionally draining some other person on here reading this that have their own problems to worry about. Im in constant physical and mental pain and lethargic. Im going to doctors but i have no hope. Im going to the doctors soley for my mother. But even the doctors said one of my conditions may not be treatable with medicine. i dont wanna put my pain on my family because of suicide. But i just dont know if i can keep living this way just so someone i love doesnt have to suffer. And i know, despite what they say, theyd be better off without me. im waiting for a disability claim so i dont financially drain my mother. but im not hopeful to receive it. I dont want a profession, i dont want friends cause its too much effort, i dont want my own family, i dont care about money, and i have so many regrets. i just dont see anything the world has to offer me thats convincing enough to keep me here. all i do all day is sit here in a dark room playing video games to escape. and sometimes i just look at the game and think “im not even enjoying myself”. Ive lost interest in just about everything that at least used to make me somewhat content in my suffering. All i can hope for is that there is a God and that God will save all people. That ill be given another and better life after i die. Because if not all of this was for nothing. Im just tired. I cant keep lying to myself and giving myself the same false hope that it will “get better” for much longer. i dont even know why im writing this. Maybe itll help someone else. i dont know. i just want a way out. im tired of being human.
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what video games do you play?
i like playing video games and getting drunk by myself sometimes….almost as much as i like two player video games and cursing a lot because i usually lose….and im always like how did you do that….mind explosion….
do you like any two player video games??
sometimes i go outside afterwards and think the video game is real though….probably might seem funny if anyone ever watches….then im like okay time for a nap….then im like….wish i had someone to cuddle with….
what do you regret?? i honestly do like reading other people’s posts….being relatable is a good thing….
I hope that they die before the kill my again. Does your realm, not have anyone sane? In the entire world..
Debilitated, hasn’t, or ever, been the worse case here.
I never said I had “the worst case here” and I’m really not sure what you are trying to say in your first comment to be honest. In my opinion no one’s suffering is any worse than another person’s. It’s all suffering at the end of the day and it’s all relative to the one experiencing it. Some can overcome major trauma “worse than mine” in a day and some could have “less suffering” than me and take years to get over it.
I never said I had “the worst case here” and I’m really not sure what you are trying to say in your first comment to be honest. In my opinion no one’s suffering is any worse than another person’s. It’s all suffering at the end of the day and it’s all relative to the one experiencing it. Some can overcome major trauma “worse than mine” in a day and some could have “less suffering” than me and take years to get over it.
By your comments it seems you are here to tear people down even further than they’ve already done to themselves.
I play on pc. I only have two games right now. i have elder scrolls online and gta 5. lately my depression has become more anger than sadness. so im usually playing gta online pvp. to kinda release some agression in a somewhat healthier manner than destroying things irl.
yeah….i try not to destroy things or people irl, but people really push it…..when i go outside it is just like this very temporary feeling….it is really difficult to describe the feeling honestly….i just go outside to smoke a cig….then look around really paranoid….then go back inside and go keep playing for a little while or go to sleep….
one of my classmates used to call me this moderately rude name that was reference to a video game….they called me it as a way to dis my economic status….because they knew i didn’t have money/time to buy or play that system/video game….
i know he was also given an unflattering nickname by his peers once…..which i never called him…..because the kids who gave it to him told me that i didn’t understand the reference…..i also know he hated being called that…..had a friend who would always call him that and constantly tried to correct her…..but she was really not very nice…
we used to hangout on my porch….he was sometimes quite rude though…..
and yeah….i’m not as sad as i am angry either…..
I’m surrounded by real time malediction, you don’t put a limit on this scale of justice. It’s the power of your uncivilized, a crime committed by pure insanity, yet no rule or protection. How oblivious can an entire civilization be, to what’s actually happening.
I hope that insanity go to die, before they kill the body of the innocent, again.
goes*
wtf is going on
@imissyou that was very mature and compassionate of you to be the bigger person and not call that person names even though they called you mean names. It takes a strong person to do that.
Wow. I could have damn near wrote this.
Except my story deviates at the gastroenterologist. Mine diagnosed me with Celiac disease and prescribed hydrocodone and I’ve been hooked on it and been at the pain management Dr’s. whim ever since 🙁
I can offer you some advice with your disibility case though.
For starters, keep going to the hospital each time you think you have to. That will help substantiate your claim that your sick and when your disibility claim does come through they’ll pay for all of your back medical expenses.
And keep staying out of the sun (remember, the sickly look is what your shooting for. I like to think of myself as a really clean junky)
Oh, and I don’t know your whole story, but I can say that my home (and private) life got a lot better when me AND my family knew what was wrong. The fact that I’m on a suicide forum is not becaus I’m suicidal,(I once was) but because the people on here lie much less than the people on Facebook.
thanks for the reply and advice. i appreciate you taking the time to read and respond. And dont worry about going in the sun haha. i pretty much avoid going outside much nowadays. I have a lot of e.r. visits and private practice as well as psychiatric/psychological appointments on file. But i just know that they are super stingey with disability. Take it out of my check on time for years but take forever to approve or deny a claim lol. Im still very suicidal. But ive never acted on my suicidal tendencies. I think ive gotten pretty accurate diagnosis its just the lack of accurate treatment thats frustrating me now. Ive been on more medicine than i can count. Ive been debating trying to move to a legalized state as soon as i get disability (if i get approved) cause cannabis has been the only thing to alleviate pain and stabilize my appetite.
also my sister has cyliacs. if i had it there definitely wouldnt be much hope in getting better cause i just dont have the mental discipline to stick to a cyliacs diet lol.
I’m sorry to hear about your sisters celiac. Gastrointestinal problems are, in my opinion, one of the hardest diseases/illnesses to convince others that you have. Other than weighing 91lbs and being as white as the driven snow, I look perfectly healthy!!
And your on the right track with your disibility. If they turn you down, keep going to hispital and relentlessly re-file!!
I feel bad for you. But I think there’s still hope.
As far as disability? Hire an attorney.
yeah im currently waiting for my first denial of disability (since most people get denied first). then i will be hiring an attorney. I already have a couple of attorneys willing to take my case. with 3 physical conditions and a lot of mental problems it should be an easy win for them i think. I personally dont have any hope. My mother does and i keep living for her sake. Thank you for the reply and encouragement though! i appreciate your time.
I’m being killed to death.
This is it, the burn and crash. Autobiography, inside the vehicle, were the crash dummies, wasn’t me. Who’s Gabriel, the apostle, reduced to zero. Seemingly, to all of them. Time is, a glass bulb fickle, putting faith into, ironical.. I dispel this curse so that I may proceed, accordingly. With by the living force, and not the delusional death of hell. I dispel insanity before they can kill the innocent, again.