Everything has become meaningless. Today I tried to get out and apply for jobs but I can’t even do that. I got so lucky my friend gave me a place to stay for free till the end of June but then I’m homeless. I don’t have motivation to keep breathing. I don’t know why my body even keeps going. I am stuck not wanting to exist. I can’t choose between life and death. I come here to try to find courage to off myself. I try really hard to find it. I’ve been depressed for years now. I have no family that I talk to and they all abandoned me because my mental illness has been too much on everyone. I’m just a constant worry for everyone. I am ready for this to end. I am so numb and dissociated from the world I feel no connection or interest to anything. I haven’t for a while now. A friend of mine stole my car in March and crashed it into a pole and died. I was living out of my car at the time. I bought a new one but I got the plates taken away so it’s sitting in a parking lot waiting to be towed. I have no money. I have no idea how I got here. The self-pity and never caring about myself has finally come up. I’ve never felt like I belonged anywhere. I can’t find meaning in life anywhere, I have tried therapies for my mental illness but nothing sticks, I feel as if I have tried everything and I am just a hopeless being not even living circling the drain. I have no real friends. I don’t enjoy anything anymore. I wish I could’ve snapped out of this before but with my mania and depression I don’t realize I was ever manic or the things I said to people until I’m in a low point. I don’t know how to get out of this mess or how to live anymore. Everything stresses me out to the point of rumination. As simple as getting a job. I feel dead in my brain. I can’t even hold a conversation. I don’t even know why I’m writing this honestly. I just want this to be over. I was in so much emotional pain for so long, I have just become numb to everything. Nothing gives me life or hope I am simply a useless being here and I wish I could just have the courage to end it or have the courage to get my life together but I am stuck in this state. I have no doctor in the town I’m in and no meds have helped me before. I have no desire to help myself and I wish I did. I really do. I just don’t. So here I am I guess. This is all so pointless. I have no goals in life and it feels like there’s a wall between me and who I used to be. I don’t know how to keep doing this and I wish my body would just die or someone would take it out of my hands and kill me. I don’t feel like I deserve to live wasting resources in the world. There’s no point anymore and nobody is going to help me and nobody should have to. I just wish I could have the courage to end it. Even with the times I’ve tried before they weren’t really attempts. I only ever know how to half-ass things. Indecisive and perfectionism really kills a person on top of several mental health issues like bpd, bipolar 2 disorder, anxiety, depression. But maybe I just make it up in my head, right? I know this post is all over the place and I don’t even think anyone will read it but whatever I guess. Why not
5 comments
I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry for all the things that have happened to you and the way you feel right now. Nobody should live like this. Unfortunately I feel exactly the same, have been in my bed since 4 days ago, wanting to end my useless existence. You are not so alone in this, after all.
@thalen I appreciate your comment. This is simply the tip of the iceberg. I know people have it worse or people have it bad, I wish they didn’t but for some damn reason this world and society is so cruel here we all are on an anonymous site trying to comfort each other. I wish I could break down or something. I’ve been in the same apartment for a few weeks and I swear all I do is pace and think about how stupid I’m being and all this shit. People try to tell me I have potential or whatever, but I’ve literally lost every single friendship and relationship. I began as unstable in high school but over the years I’ve just become to the point where I can’t connect to myself. Not who I was a month ago or a year, people ask me about myself and I don’t know how to answer. Everything feels like a lie. I just wish I had the courage to leave honestly. I’m sorry though, I truly hope whatever you’re going through let’s up. Sometimes you need time to recharge before you get up again. Or so I like to think for others
Have you ever been homeless before? I see myself homeless here shortly. Hell I would be homeless now but I am bound in a household I hate because I am on probation and am required to meet with them at least 20 times a month.. which includes pissing in a cup, sitting in a group of addicts 2x a week, and that’s about it.
Has this not occurred I would (thank god) be dead already.. not like I don’t have a whole seperate load of feelings about that and my suicide… or I would be out homeless….. um, so as soon as this is over it’s either ya know, death or homelessness.
I’ve tried years to get a job. I never thought there was anything wrong with me but it seems others do so that is a big push for me to end it all. I don’t need that kind of treatment, you know?
I feel as bad as you. I don’t have friends nor do I believe in friendship. I’ve had no money for years but at least until my probation is over I am working on getting money to live either out of car or on foot…
I’ve paid 1150 to court for license reinstatement
Hell if I already had a shitty car and it was up to me I’d just take the damn thing with suspended license leave state and pray they don’t find me..
I need about $1500 more to get me a car and insurance and beout of here. …
It just makes it easier to have a car, easier to waste your time, and a hell of a lot easier to end your life. Better to live in a car than live where strangers can find you.
I have a job, a girlfriend, family, but I also see no point in life. I mean I don’t know why am I still doing all these things. Nothing excites me anymore. I’m also stuck. I don’t know what to do anymore and even if I manage to know, I dont think I will help myself. Not sure if I should say “Stay strong” becouse I’m not strong myself either. Anyway, I’m just thankful that I’m not the only one experiencing this right now.
Interesting post I wish I would have seen it sooner I feel the same way about a lot of these things.