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The noise won’t leave

by sansfranzdeput

I have Tourette’s Syndrome; OCD; light Autism; chronic and crippling depression, anxiety, and various medical differences/flaws/disorders. My Tourette’s- or tics, as they are often called-. manifest themselves mostly in my mind. With the exception of a few verbal tics, and a plethora of motor/physical tics, I can hide the urges and pain which plagues and afflicts me at my every waking moment. My wife and the rest of my immediate family are all well aware of my suffering; they, unfortunately, however, realize or wish to realize the full extent to which I am truly in pain. The only spans of consciousness wherein I draw pleasure is when I sleep. But, even there, in the land of dreams and nightmares, I find nothing much past lies and subconscious deception. When I do sleep, I fall in and out of cycles of painful, but much appreciated dreams where I meet someone who will solve all of my issues, who then promptly gets killed before my eyes in gruesome and malicious methods each and every time. Often I go for months without seeing the person in my dreams; sometimes I see the person every night. That is only during the part of the night when I am actually asleep. When I am attempting sleep, any number of pains and illnesses are pressed upon me. I have a connective tissue disorder, and my eyelashes continually fall down into and or droop into my eye balls, leaving me constantly blinking and tearing up for hours. My eyes also continually burn due to the horrible air quality in my country, and my allergies. During the day is infinitely worse though: every single damn thing I hear, smell, taste, feel, or see causes me incredible pain. I can only contain it by using most of my energy and all of my waking time to practicing to hide and pretend that I am normal. My parents- and my wife- have always told me that I should “be myself”, but when I try to be myself, even a little bit, they attack that aspect of me. whether actively, or without meaning to. I want to enjoy hugging people; I want to love holding my child’s hands; and I also want to take pleasure in just existing- but none of that is possible, and hasn’t been since I can remember. I have and still am overwhelmed by all the pain and lack of any real way to find any joy at all. I have tried to end my life 11 times in the past, and have considered/planned out my suicide 2 times in recent years. I don’t do drugs of any kind whatsoever; I do not smoke or drink; I have a strict but sane diet and regularly exercise, but rest when necessary. I take part in community activities; I don’t hate my job, and am good at it; and I study many academic fields out of pure interest in them. To anyone looking at me, I am a weird, unique, but very HAPPY person. I cannot remember a span of time longer than a week or so where I have been even marginally happy. Please help. Any comment is appreciated, and would help me.


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Anonymous 6/8/2018 - 4:18 am

I’m sorry you have to manage so much. I can only imagine how much pain you’re in, and I don’t really know how I can help, but if you want to talk, I’d be more than willing to.

sansfranzdeput 6/9/2018 - 12:38 am

It’d be nice to talk about it. Thank you. It is very difficult to manage.

Anonymous 6/10/2018 - 4:27 am

I apologize for the day-late reply after telling you I’d be more than willing to talk… I can give you my email if you’d prefer to talk privately. Either way is fine by me.

Except for all of your disorders, I can really relate to you. I hate drugs of any kind, I’m fairly active in the community, and I delve pretty deeply into academia. People tend to think I’m happy also, but I just tell them I’m tired when I slip up and don’t hide things as well.

sansfranzdeput 6/11/2018 - 2:06 am

It is alright. I am replying a day late too. Yes, I think email would be easier- only because of the format. I don’t use it often: my job keeps me busy most of most days- but I’ll make sure to keep the conversation up. What is your email address?

Anonymous 6/11/2018 - 2:19 am

Pop me an email whenever you’re not too busy.

Agonizing 6/8/2018 - 8:10 am

Sounds like you got it hard and it would be abnormal if you hadn’t tried to kill yourself. To suffer all day like you do sounds horrible I understand how it is when every waking moment and stimuli hurts. But I’m envious that you are able work and have intellectual pursuits at least can appear happy, your sleep sounds like your saviour. What you go through does sounds very tough, I feel you

sansfranzdeput 6/9/2018 - 12:39 am

That is a very good way to summarize my plight. Why do you envy me? What afflicts you, my friend?

Agonizing 6/9/2018 - 5:53 pm

You have preserved your identity, you can physically go out and work, you have the faculties to project happiness despite what youre going through, it means there is plenty fight in you and still have scope to achieve things, you have not lost your dignity. I got a chemical lobotomy forced by the government because psychiatrists decided i was a risk to myself or society i dont know, kinda like the movie minority report, judged and executed before anything happened. I used to be a programmer, musician and painter for 17 years, its all stopped now for 4 months and i get debilitating headaches for 5 hours every time i wake up and the rest of the day isnt fun neither.

sansfranzdeput 6/11/2018 - 2:04 am

I am sorry that they forced that on you. I have extensively researched early American Eugenics programs, and it has gotten better, but there is still a ways to go. I have chronic headaches in addition to everything else, so at least I understand what that is like. I can go out and work, but I don’t have much fight left in me at all.

tiredofchronicpain 6/13/2018 - 5:27 am

Hi man. I have just read your post. I can assure you that after someone who has battled with mental illnesses all his life I started of having a very blossoming childhood start. But after I turned 7, I got this weird feeling that my eyes are starting to give in. We would go to specialists only to find out they were fine. I would be obsessively scared of saying a swear word that I would not eat the night. I remember having a childhood filled with the horrors of mental illness ever since I could remember. This morphed into a bigger problem when I left high school. I had crazy tinnitus so bad I could not sleep. It would sound like a morse code. I was in a slice of hell in my head every second of my life. I had depersonalisation that followed as well as Agoraphobia. I do not know how I made it through my Electronics Engineering degree like this but I did. It was difficult. 2 Years ago, I got a dental abscess in my left tooth that left me in constant excruciating pain for 2 years. Soon after they did surgery, the abscess got into my nose and moved to my other side. I soon found that as an unemployable graduate, I sit with daily pain, a racing mind, and clinical depression, talking to myself on a constant basis because I live in social isolation and I moved back to my folks as a result of the tough job market and no one wanting to hire Graduates because of cut-wages they could pay for internationals. I always say “Life is a *****, and ***** is a bastard”. I sometimes feel I am one of the most unfortunate individuals who are on this planet, only to find like minded people who are sitting alongside myself in the same boat. We should never forget this. We are all people on a journey to nowhere. It is a very chaotic life out there and we are left here not knowing when to sink, swim or jump ship. I ponder existence everyday. How long I will still survive like this. What horrors await me tomorrow. Looking at the faces of attractive and young people around me, I can not help being envious of them. They do not know pain or anxiety or depression. They live on a plane of existence different from me and others on here. I decided for the time I have left, to help others on here and to be a voice and try and help with the best of advice.

tiredofchronicpain 6/13/2018 - 5:40 am

Oh sorry, the quote did not come out. What i meant to say was “Life Is a b-i-t-c-h and a b-i-t-c-h is a b-a-s-t-a-r-d”

As per my second point, I think at least you got a wife and child. Congratulations. Throughout my life I could not get a woman for the life of myself; also noticed how I am busy balding – around a 2 on the Norwood scale. I am kin to you: a very happy person indeed. I am high energy and it is thus people LIKE us who are suffering so extraordinary; we have the perfect personalities to WANT to live, and yet, we cannot. Almost like a cosmic joke. It seems as if you have a very creative mind. What you would notice is that there is a curse to it. Creative minds can be quite fantasy prone, but also depression prone. They say people with depression have a “mental illness” and see life at a dis-advantage. But I can say the same thing for people with an optimism bias. I tend to think it is us who actaully see life as it is. Life indeed is suffering and if you look at the aggregate suffering in life, it definitely outweighs the aggregate good. I do hold an anti-natalist view to existence. I personally would have wished to never existed in the first place.

I think I could ask some questions that would make you at least think about the future. There was a book written by a man named Dr. Atul Gawande about life’s 5 questions at the end of life to ask oneself. I could summarise my question in order to prompt you how would you see a future for yourself. How would you possibly get purpose or find purpose living like this? Do you think there is a future for yourself? Why, or why not?

I tend to ask myself this questions almost every day. I think for guys like us, who once had the perfect time without these pesky problems, we can only shed a tear thinking back to the good times. A childhood where your worst of worst problems was the day at school and getting it over, only to find oneself playing and having one’s own time back home, wandering off to a Disney adventure in your mind where you are the king and overwhelmed by love. I really get depressed thinking about the past…

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