The noise won’t leave

  June 8th, 2018 by sansfranzdeput

I have Tourette’s Syndrome; OCD; light Autism; chronic and crippling depression, anxiety, and various medical differences/flaws/disorders. My Tourette’s- or tics, as they are often called-. manifest themselves mostly in my mind. With the exception of a few verbal tics, and a plethora of motor/physical tics, I can hide the urges and pain which plagues and afflicts me at my every waking moment. My wife and the rest of my immediate family are all well aware of my suffering; they, unfortunately, however, realize or wish to realize the full extent to which I am truly in pain. The only spans of consciousness wherein I draw pleasure is when I sleep. But, even there, in the land of dreams and nightmares, I find nothing much past lies and subconscious deception. When I do sleep, I fall in and out of cycles of painful, but much appreciated dreams where I meet someone who will solve all of my issues, who then promptly gets killed before my eyes in gruesome and malicious methods each and every time. Often I go for months without seeing the person in my dreams; sometimes I see the person every night. That is only during the part of the night when I am actually asleep. When I am attempting sleep, any number of pains and illnesses are pressed upon me. I have a connective tissue disorder, and my eyelashes continually fall down into and or droop into my eye balls, leaving me constantly blinking and tearing up for hours. My eyes also continually burn due to the horrible air quality in my country, and my allergies. During the day is infinitely worse though: every single damn thing I hear, smell, taste, feel, or see causes me incredible pain. I can only contain it by using most of my energy and all of my waking time to practicing to hide and pretend that I am normal. My parents- and my wife- have always told me that I should “be myself”, but when I try to be myself, even a little bit, they attack that aspect of me. whether actively, or without meaning to. I want to enjoy hugging people; I want to love holding my child’s hands; and I also want to take pleasure in just existing- but none of that is possible, and hasn’t been since I can remember. I have and still am overwhelmed by all the pain and lack of any real way to find any joy at all. I have tried to end my life 11 times in the past, and have considered/planned out my suicide 2 times in recent years. I don’t do drugs of any kind whatsoever; I do not smoke or drink; I have a strict but sane diet and regularly exercise, but rest when necessary. I take part in community activities; I don’t hate my job, and am good at it; and I study many academic fields out of pure interest in them. To anyone looking at me, I am a weird, unique, but very HAPPY person. I cannot remember a span of time longer than a week or so where I have been even marginally happy. Please help. Any comment is appreciated, and would help me.

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