Hello. First off; 15 years old, for you to know.
So, fucked up even more, dug even deeper into the abyss of depression or whatever-the-fuck it is. Being frustrated in life more and more. Posted on reddit (/depression), with title “Just realised I’m a fake person.” No answers. Noone cares. Cry. Angry, bad language.
“Yeah. Fake emotions, fake smile, fake love, fake friend. Fake everything. So… That’s basically it, I have friends I like, other I pretend I like them (and I fucking know they do too) and the friends I like, they don’t like me. I’m just the.. how do we say that in one word.. Well I’m friend with a popular guy everyone likes, and well, I am just the piece of shit that hangs out with him so when he isn’t there, people come talk to me… Otherwise I don’t exist. I hate that. I want to punch all these assholes in the face who think I’m a fucking object. But that’s not the point. The point is, I just realised today that I can’t stand the fact that this popular guy does EVERYTHING, absolutely EVERY FUCKING THING IN THE FUCKING WORLD better than me. Not a single thing where I’m better than him. The worst of all, he does not move his ass! he never works, he gets back from school and just talks to my brother on discord! I have no time for that! Because I WORK. When there’s an exam I WORK. He doesn’t. We do something new at school he understands EVERYTHING. And I don’t. Fuck. Well I’m an idiot I guess… It’s okay, I’ve seen other do worse. But WHY does it have to be like that? I AM the object, the piece of shit the whatever-the-fuck you call that. I always say FUCK I always hate I’m always an idiot I’m always jealous I’m always a fucking piece of crap the popular guy carries with him I’m always sad or mad or whatever-bad-feeling you can possibly imagine and I always FUCK UP. The list could continue on but I guess you understand the point. I am not liked and I don’t like others. They just pretend to like me! But why don’t I like them? Because they’re ASSHOLES. They are racist, homophobic, judgemental… And when I say that I don’t like that.. well they basically don’t care and just say “you gay” (that’s basically their way to say that if I don’t like their way of thinking, I can just go be tortured to death). For example, I do drawing, but they DON’T like that! So what? I just hide it. I am fake. I am never myself, because being myself is not LIKEABLE. It just gets me hate. I’m a very patient guy but I reached the breaking point. I have now 3 choices I guess. I can continue to be like that and be sad. I can say I can’t take that anymore, be lonely and have everyone laugh at me, or I can just die in an pain free way (am currently looking for it, but it will be hard to decide). If I just had an instant death button I would have pressed it long ago.
Also sorry for bad language but at this point I honestly don’t care so much.”
Very low self-esteem. Bad person. Don’t want to use first-person singular because feel like shit… So, weird written post. Bad person, pervert, sexual fantasies with known girls, learned to draw and drew them, is bad, is gross. Failed at explaining, tried many many times. Tried to hurt; used big hard object on hand. Felt guilty, ashamed. Saw as an attention whore. Not truth. Object. Deserves death. Want to kill, then die. Kill those who laughed at me. Those who judged me. They deserve death, too, not going alone. Confused. Bad at EVERYTHING. Trying to draw. Big failures, hard work. Reaching breaking point. Started to fail at hiding it. Others do well with no work. Doing bad with hard work. Idiot. Waking up, looking in the mirror. Looks pretty bad. Hates being a boy. Friends are fake and pretend to like, to love. Is all fake, is all fucked up. Been trying to study people’s behavior to know if it’s lies or truth. Turns out everything is lies. Fuck everything. Like almost nothing. Like drawing, masturbating, eating, that’s all. You think “Another idiot tries to get attention”, right? For fuck’s sake, don’t answer if this is what you think. Be honest, or go to hell with your lies.
Thank you. Sorry for confusing message.
14 comments
Most things are relative, you can’t compare yourself to others like this. The only person you can compare yourself to is the ideal version of yourself you want to be. Otherwise, it’s a waste of time. Everyone wants different things and we all have different things we appreciate. I assure you that this “perfect” guy has at least one thing he doesn’t like about himself.
Also, I’ve said it many times on this site, but High School is a weird place. More often than not, kids are bastards towards other kids because they don’t know better, because they’re still figuring out themselves and the world, but that obviously does not excuse the behavior. Also, things change in a major way when you get out of High School, especially if you decide to go to University afterward. When you’re out of High School, you realize that there are far more important things than “social standing” and approval from others. You also realize that there are people that you can connect with. The world is far bigger than one tiny High School. The universe is unpredictable, sometimes the “perfect” people in High School become washouts when they step into the real world and the outsiders lead relatively pleasant lives.
The only thing you should do is focus on yourself. Spend your teen years discovering yourself, that’s what they’re there for. And try to channel those self-esteem issues and anger into productive things. You said you draw, well maybe try that. Work on your drawing skills.
O and not everything is fake. Even “fake emotions” and “fake people” have real emotions hidden behind them, for various reasons they simply choose to cover that.
Drawing is art. You don’t have to be good at art to understand it. Its your vision and your thoughts and your perspective of the world. Don’t let anyone else tell you other wise.
Of course drawing is art, and art is subjective. There are however objective techniques one can learn, coupled with practise, that can help you portray your vision. That’s what I simply meant in that sentence.
Do understand that there’s more than High School, not that stupid. But this guy will do far better in university, he’s a genius, high IQ, good results with no work, know it.
“The universe is unpredictable, sometimes the “perfect” people in High School become washouts when they step into the real world and the outsiders lead relatively pleasant lives.”
He will not, he’s intelligent.
Idiot, stupid, who’s the one being like that? It’s the piece of crap who posted here. Deserve DEATH because FAILURE.
It’s not as simple as that. Some people who do great in High School struggle at University, and some who do average in High School do well in University. Regardless of all that, it doesn’t matter what he does. Like I said, focus on yourself and your life. I hope you realise that you are far too obsessed with this “perfect” guy and that you’re being too hard on yourself.
Not too hard. Doing progress, had a prize for best progress in class, a prize for most hard worker, but not enough, the guy had good results, with no work, and still has. Want to be like him, but it’s hard. Can’t be the way that comes to mind, that feels good. Must be fake, do like him, and be liked. Avoid teasing. Teasing is bad. Teasing is torture. Very sensitive person, but hide it. Want no emotions. Want to behave like a machine. Machines rarely fail.
You can’t be like him. We’re all individuals with our own characteristics. It’s clear that you don’t like being “fake”, so try to be yourself. I assure you that trying to be like another person will do more damage than the teasing. Teasing is indeed bad, but try to keep in mind that it holds no worth. The teasing doesn’t reflect on who you are at all. You may want to get rid of your emotions, but you won’t succeed. And remember, machines may rarely fail but they also don’t experience joy, contentment etc.
No, no, can’t be real. Must be fake. Tried to not be fake, it sucks. Being fake is bad indeed, but not being is worse, teasing is unbearable, angrier with teasing, hitting people, insulting them. Being fake accumulates anger, too, but much slower. Can’t be like him, and can’t get rid of emotions. Fuck. So, death is only solution. Thanks for help.
Well, there’s a good chance that after High School you’ll never see the “perfect” guy, or the people that tease you, again. So, death is most definitely not the only solution. However, it’s your life and your choice. No problem, and good luck with whatever you choose.
Yo, Im that ,,perfect guy” bro. Im a philosopher with a perfect body and pretty face. When i go to park shirtless other kids are like ,,wow, are you a body builder” and then i feel awesome and say ,,nah, im an athlete”.
few things i dont like about my self: I can rarely see my self even remotely pretty, i hate my face, hate aging, hate my hair and my beard looks like my ,,D” hair. i lack basic comunication skills and huma emotions. My girfriend is consumed by alcohol and barely even show up and im falling in to panict attack state. I have no skills that makes me better or sub par with people i want to hang out with, and im insanely shy and lost my job becouse of it.
Barely any problems for such and amazing perfect guy that i am.
If you have such problems, you’re maybe not the “perfect guy” who was mentionned above. This guy is really perfect. Each and every person likes him. He can do everything that ever comes to mind. He cans and does better. He has amazing results, is a genius at Math and has amazing potential.
and also, Deutsch?
I think the problem is that people like that who seem naturally gifted, are flat out expected to suceed in every way.
One small failire could potentially destroy this person, due to the immense pressure to be “perfect”.
True perfection does not exist. The only things that are tangeble are the ideas of an ideal type of person you want to be, and even then, noone will ever be able to be the ideal person they want to be, in every facet of their life.
People make mistakes, and learn and grow. People have vices. People work hard to get rid of their vices but a lot of the time, they never completely go away.
You need to work on an ideal version of yourself. Who do you want to be, despite what anyone else tells you? If you want to draw, DRAW. Learn what you need to know and create your own personal style. Your teen years aee the best time to do this, to learn a skill and begin to become the person you want to be. This “perfect” person is not a part of your long term plans. He doesn’t factor into your life at the end of the day. Create an identity seperate of this person.
Hopefully you get what I’m trying to say here.
Fuck you’re right. For one time, didn’t do what others want, drew what felt the best. People got impressed. Felt great. Proved they were wrong! Did great stuff, planning to do so again. Drawing’s sure amazing, going to do more of that. Never going to do what these ASSHOLES want. Better to do what feels best.
I always liked different guys who would be called “wierds” back in High School.
They are very mysterious and interesting. Really! I had a thing for them.
You are special and they don’t need to like your drawings. I bet they’re amazing.
Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Somebody very talented and smart once told me “there is always going to be someone who does it better than you” and he was RIGHT. But that doesn’t mean that what you are doing isn’t great!!
Hold on a couple of years more in school and show them how special you are and that you are the kind of person everyone would love to have in their lives.