I tried to make something of myself. But everything I do seems to fall apart. I seem to make bad choices and my life ends up in spirals of negativity. I feel like everything I took desiccates and turns to dust.
I have been treated like a freak for most of my life and at 30 I was assessed for mild high functioning autism and untreatable depression. It get treated like a freak for being too sensitive, too angry, too sad and then when I’ve had enough I’m damned by society for withdrawing from family and friends because I’m tired of everything I say being passed off as ‘Psyco Hester’ ‘she’s off on one’.
I also have a chronic pain condition and I’m highly unreliable in my schedule. I’ve tried everything to improve this but I can’t put on a timer on pain flare up.
I tried going to interviews only to be belittled and tossed out when they find out I’m long term ill.
I am thinking about committing suicide. I live in a country that highly intolerant to anyone that isn’t healthy. I’ve lost all my family and have a few friends that I never see. The only thing that keeps me here is my animals. I have two bunnies and three tortoises. I love them more than life but maybe they are better off with someone else.
Ill run out of money soon and then I’m at the mercy of welfare. The current welfare system is so bad people have been committing suicide to avoid starving.
Ive tried volunteering. I’ve tred studying at distance learning. But everything I do falls apart and I end up hated and isolated. My whole life all I remember is bullying or being passively put down. I can’t remember when I haven’t been told that I’m a useless piece of shit in one way or another. I’ve had a remove so many people from my life to protect me.
I’m also trapped in an area I hate because my house won’t sell.
Maybe I’m not homeless but I see a poverty filled old age.
3 comments
i think there’s a few jobs that would allow one to work from home with deadlines for a project, but they usually require a certain skillet (like writers or certain translators). if there’s any type of job you could so like that, it could make life easier for you..
you’ve been putting in a lot of effort. it seems crappy that you haven’t found something that works out how it should. though there’s a few ways to try even the same thing repeatedly getting shot down makes it seem pointless at times.. at least you’ve removed outside toxic sources with good results. it doesn’t seem right you could have to depend on a faulty system when you’re willing to do what you can if they work with you.
you love your animals, which means they’re better off with you.
Yikes. What is your illness? Unfair treatment? I see this happen all the time, yet I do not comprehend.
Sounds like what I go through and that is what brings me here. Dragged back and forth through belittling modes. I thought my dream was to live in a van and tour the globe but the dreams all get ripped from me. I was perfectly fine touring alone. Around the time that the dream was ripped from me was the time the ‘Psycho Hester’ modes began. It got worse every year, I still held on to that little thread of hope for the dream and then it reached tipping point… There is no going back now, I can only move forward. The dream is dead and all sense of pleasure and happiness, confidence and peace I have felt died with it. I wait here to achieve my suicide but this is after a long, hard battle against an unbeatable force. I am not recommending it for you, but it does get hard.