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Trying

by falling_soup

I hate that I try to be here. That I keep fighting. I go to therapy and lately or sometimes I don’t even feel like going. I feel empty and deflated. I try to move forward and make progress for others. I somehow convince myself that I am here for some of the few people that need me. I know I am worthless and I am a waste of space and it would be better for everyone if I died. People would worry less, my obligations to certain family members would stop. When I fall, I have no one to help me up. I scraped my knee and the ones who say they love me the most can’t help. I am done trying to pull myself up again and again. I have tried to kill myself 3 times last year and some of those attempts fully well could have worked. I got worried about clean up and how a roommate would feel about finding their dead roommate. I got help, I drank charcoal, I detoxed , I sat in a hospital for 2 weeks.  I got medically cleared before sitting in a psychiatric ward. I have pushed myself to move forward and live my life however that may look like, the thing is, I should of been dead when I was 13. I was partying with friends, doing drugs, cutting myself. I didn’t care after I was dumped by boyfriend or after my dad died and my mom became abusive. People think I had every right to kill myself during that time, I was bullied, I was hurting emotionally, I did not care what would happen. I wish I could pick myself up and move forward but it gets harder and harder when the sadness is constant. I feel like I can’t break free from how I feel. I just want to turn it all off and walk away from it. I do not need someone to fix me. Therapy, medicine, fuck that. I have been in treatment for my depression since I was 8. I really do not think I am fixable. Nothing I try really works. I just hate myself. I hate who I am, and I hate the situation I either put myself in or get put in. I am done crying and crying, I am done trying to cope with my anxiety and the nightmares. I am done trying to get up again alone. I am done trying to do this constant up hill battle. I need a way out and I will find one. I won’t set a date, no more dates or planning. I will do it when the time feels right, I will plan my method of course, I need something that works, consistent vomiting and a trip to the ER. I need this to work. and when I am ready to step into the darkness and let my depression win. I will. My depression is a long term illness and it will kill me. I have tried to not let it, and for all these years I have managed somehow, but now, I really don’t care.

_ Soup

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3 comments

freeroma 6/13/2018 - 7:11 pm

“the ones who say they love me the most can’t help.” gods yeah. picking yourself up over and over, most the time on your own. and it’s not really for your sake that you try but you’re left to figure it out for yourself, even with outside things you’re expected to get yourself through the day despite not really wanting it.
and some say you’re supposed to live for yourself, but that’s never really worked for me.

it’s hard as fck. yeah you know people want you alive, but it’s not always enough to know they’re there at the end of the day. it’s exhausting.

IF1002 6/13/2018 - 9:24 pm

Me too. They say that they will always be there for me but they never are. They only tell be how bad I am. What I can’t do. They’re just the ones that hurt me and after a couple of years, I know that they purposely do it. Your right. I’ve also fell a million times with no one to help me up. I’ve suffered attempted suicide many times. But after joining this website, I’ve realized that there are people who have helped me up. We’re here for each other even though we’ve never met. So your not alone. I’ll help you up and hopefully you’ll do the same for me. So keep the fight. Do not let it go away.

SleeplessMind 6/13/2018 - 10:21 pm

Hey Soup.
Sorry to hear about dealing with losing your Dad so young and your mom being abusive.
Your biological family may not grab your hands and dust you off and pull you back to your feet when you fall, but like IF1002 said, you have us and hopefully, you stick life out incase one of us need you to dust us off when we fall.

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