Every time I let myself feel anything I get fucked over. Every relationship I’ve been in before my current one I’ve been cheated on. Now my current SO is talking to and hanging out with a girl who up until 2 weeks ago was sending him nudes (We’ve been dating longer than 2 weeks, it was going on well we were dating). I want to trust him I really fucking do, but when every single time you’ve trusted in the past you’ve gotten hurt its so hard. Its getting harder and harder to feel anything. I am so numb. Being numb is better than getting myself hurt. I’ve been pushing everyone away, I just want to stop feeling anything. Its too risky. I get hurt every time. I am constantly reminded of how replaceable I am, I’m disposable. Like one of those disposable cameras, you use me and then you realize the majority of your shots didn’t come out the way you wanted, so you throw me away. Completely useless. I can’t anymore. It has to stop. I can’t be loved. I think I can but then I’m fucked over. I CANT.
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NO ONE can hurt you without your permission to do so. Stop allowing them to do it.
Also, love isn’t something that you have to look for. It’s something that you just know when you feel it. If you don’t feel as though someone else truly loves you, odds are they do not, and in this case there are actions which back up the way that you are feeling.
I am a Man, and let me tell you beyond any shadow of doubt that: No Self-Respecting Man on Earth would intentionally do ANYTHING that would bring sorrow or harm to the person which he truly respects, loves, and values. Not one!
Lastly… Think of things like this: Life happens to everyone, as there is no manual for it. We just live it. It is up to you whether or not you’re going to choose to learn from it and allow it to keep making you a stronger human being going forward, or whether you choose not to learn and keep making the same ‘I knew better’ mistakes adding to sadness.
The hard truth is that eventually nobody will pity the self-inflicted, so you’d better snap out of it!
I say the above as a man that has total, absolute, respect for Women. I mean no harm or disrespect, because if I did then I’d simply offer you comfort instead of telling you what you need to hear; no matter how inconvenient that truth may seem.
You’ve got this! You’re more powerful than you can imagine. Don’t ask for respect; ever. Command it! It all starts with you though. You have to command respect from yourself if you ever hope to get it.
As always, Remain Blessed. -Kev
why you’re completely wrong about pain: let someone kick you as hard as they can in the shin, and then tell yourself, “it won’t hurt unless i let it.” not going to go over well while you’re collapsed on the ground clutching your leg.
if you open yourself up to someone, give them your trust, and then they break it, you can only walk away without being hurt by being a robot. it’s hard to disregard invested love and time and feelings at the realization it means nothing to the other party.
as to the “‘i knew better’ mistakes”… in this context it’s like telling her not to open up to anyone ever because she already knows, from experience, that going forward with someone leads to pain. it’s like saying to expect the cheating because it’s happened before, and lose all faith in relationships. what’s the point of being involved with someone if you know better that intimacy will just lead to being burned?
OP: honestly, dump the guy. the nudes sounds like it’s something that happened for awhile? he decided to talk to her after she sent the first one, which means he didn’t shut it down/stop talking to her, and his hanging out in person further disregards something that shouldn’t be happening in a committed relationship. he doesn’t care.
i wouldn’t trust him. it doesn’t make you unloveable, it makes him an a** and her something else. you’re worth more than that.
@freeroma
It is unfortunate that you feel as though I am wrong about pain; however, to me we simply have two different perspectives on it. Not only that, but physical pain and emotional pain do not, by definition, mean the same things. I was speaking to emotional pain, and you used physical in your response.
You’re more than welcome to disagree with what I have said, as that is your right to do so; however, that doesn’t make either of us more wrong or right than the other. We just have different lived experiences for the poster to take into consideration when choosing which may work best for them.
Lastly, I feel that, more than most other places, a forum of this caliber is one of the last places any one of us should be directly attacking another individuals thoughts, views, perspective, and/or experiences… especially those shared in good faith meant to inspire another in some way.
As always, Remain Blessed. -Kev
you made a general statement; i actually addressed why it wouldn’t be easy in a physical, as well as the emotional sense in the context of this post.
and it’s unfortunate you feel as though i am attacking you, instead of offering a different way your words can be taken.
first things first…snap out of it?if it was so easy she wouldn’t be here, nor would you
If he’s cheating on you, why are you still with him? Dump him, move on. Also, you just met this individual and you have gotten far too emotionally invested and I think that’s part of the problem.
It takes time to get to know someone and develop trust and care for that individual, usually months or at least a year or two if you want to build a longterm relationship. No offense but given how emotional you got he might see that as being clingy and that’s a huge turn-off for both men and women.
Give a man lots of space, don’t act like you need him but that you appreciate the time you spend with him. You don’t know his history/past, how many gf’s he might have that you don’t know about.
Also have you considered that maybe you just hooked up with an azzhole who likes to sleep around? That is no reflection of you, just because you meet 10/10 guys who are cheaters, doesn’t mean you are the problem.
Look for a man who is offering what you seek, don’t waste time on players. Also, ask yourself what you’re bringing to the table and look for someone compatible. If you aim too high you’ll get disappointed, aim too low you’ll end up selling yourself short. Use reason/logic, not just feelings.
I know how exciting it can be meeting someone who you think could be perfect for you but don’t go into anything blind. It’s like falling in love with a beautiful car or house, but on the inside, it needs major repairs.
Be choosy, if they don’t treat you with respect, don’t give them the time of day. There are millions of people out there, just keep searching till you find someone that has the qualities you want.
@freeroma
• I did notice that you had addressed both physical and emotional pain; however, I had no interest in contradicting your thoughts on my thoughts, as… yet again… neither of us were wrong. We simply had opposing perspectives.
• Attack (criticize) (verb) – to criticize someone or something strongly. – Cambridge DictionaryWhat you had said did not cause me to have a felt response. The presence of a feeling is not necessary to deem something an attack.
•I will not be responding to your comments further within this thread, as I do not feel our line of dialogue exchange is appropriate, or applicable, to the topic content at this point.
Remain Blessed. -Kev
offering specifics to a generality is not an attack. i do disagree with general statements on principle due to how open to interpretation they are, and instead offered an expansion.
also, you made a point of saying that i addressed physical pain, where you were apparently talking emotional. i pointed out i addressed both, also not an attack. if you noticed, then why only mention the physical in your response alongside what you meant?
also, making statements such as don’t let something affect you, without any type of instruction how, isn’t exactly helpful (in my experience, of course). my response wasn’t meant to make you feel anything. i’m as entitled to state my disagreements/opinions to a statement (note I’m not in fact attacking you, or the entire response) as you are, as topics are open to discussion here.
I still don’t understand the “‘i knew better’ mistakes” in the context of the post.
or for that matter the statement about snapping out of self-infliction. which remain relevant.
@freeroma
• If you didn’t understand me, in any capacity, could you not have simply asked me for more information? i.e. Can you please elaborate on your ( applicable noun(s) ) as they/it pertain(s) to your statement(s) _______?
• You have only asked me two (2) questions over the entirety of our exchange. Neither of which expressed the fact that you did not understand the intent of what I had said in my message that was not even directed towards you in the first place. In fact the only reason I am going against stating that I will not be responding is due to your final statement alone, as I’m happy to clarify something for you; though, I could care less about your thoughts/feelings of and/or about me/my words; just to be clear.
When I said…
…I was purposefully trying to maintain its generality, because much like what I had said about (emotional) pain… it is something that can be applied to other areas of life outside of this one. Now, in context to this specifically, it has nothing to do with the fact that she allowed herself to trust another man and has gotten hurt. It does; however, have to do with not doing the things that you know to be right in hopes that things work out for the better. More specifically still: “my current SO is talking to and hanging out with a girl who up until 2 weeks ago was sending him nudes“. She knows that’s not okay, as she is effected by it, yet she’s staying in hopes that it will change; though, why should it change? If he cared for her it wouldn’t have happened to beging with. He knew how it’d effect her, yet he still did it. If he didn’t care then knowing that it would, why should he care now that it does? That’s illogical thought. This is a ‘I knew better’ waiting to happen.
When I said…
… what I meant is best conveyed through a loose, seemingly exaggerated, example:
If you have a friend on Facebook that was hit by her boyfriend, and you came to her aid, yet she eventually returns to him. Then it happens again, and again, and again. Eventually you are not going to pity that person. You will hardly give it a passing glance.
The reason I chose that more extreme example is for that reason alone. If that hold true for something with that degree of seriousness… How many times do you think someone is going to feel bad for someone who allows themselves to remain in a situation where the likelihood of cheating is present? Even less than the abuse situation.
Now, hopefully that adds clarity to my reasoning for you. If not, well, it is what it is.
As always, Remain Blessed. -Kev
you can’t pick and choose what general statements apply to without specifying. and without clarification, it’s left to the reader to draw their own conclusions.
vagueries in response to a specific topic should obviously be known to cause confusion. without the examples to provide context, it’s empty and meaningless. perhaps you should make more effort to separate what you mean in specific vs. general context to avoid misunderstanding.
your context basically restates what i said in my comment above when i was explaining why i thought it was a bad idea, except i actually wrote it out instead of offer something that is open to (mis)interpretation.
why would i question? an open question offers an invitation to open dialogue, which i wasn’t interested in with you, especially as your statements seemed victim blaming. and you should have been able to infer my lack of understanding by the fact my comments didn’t reflect your apparently implied meaning. i responded in closed statements, much the same way you did.
likewise re; feelings.
@freeroma
• I can. I did. Whether or not you like the fact that I did is entirely your business.
For someone who claims not to be interested in a dialogue exchange you are seemingly doing a lot of it; Just saying.
I’m going to ignore you now, as I fear this pointlessness is never going to end. So, for the final time, Remain Blessed. -Kev.
have a nice day 🙂
Back to YOU and your post @lonelywitch unfortunately humans are incapable of being respectful of others. Gone are the days before selfish fulfillment, I cannot offer advice on your next step because I’m in a similar situation in which I’m staying and cannot figure out why. In theory, becoming numb sounds like a good idea but I fear we would be numb to both the good and bad which is where I’m headed.? I don’t assume to know even the first thing about you or your life so I won’t say anything as hurtful as “snap out of it”. I will just say I hope someone comes into your life that values and appreciates you the way you need right now.