Well just when I thought I could finally have a normal life again after 3 years I was wrong. My last 3 years of high school were hell for me. Lonely days, sad nights, anxiety through the roof, depressed, etc. All the memorable highschool things such as prom and graduation are forever ruined for me. I had a lot of faith that college would be a new, better experience for me & its already getting torn from my head. I went to my orientation a few weeks ago & of course during the night when I was sleeping in a room with two other girls I had a seizure. I’ve realized how uncomfortable I actually am having seizures in my sleep in front of people im not really close to. So now I basically have to choose between picking a random roommate & explaining to them when we move in that I have epilepsy & will have seizures in my sleep here & there or getting a single room. Ill feel bad if I tell my random roommate that she’ll have to deal with my seizures for the whole year, watching a seizure is pretty scary & I just simply will feel bad making them put up with them because they didn’t choose to & again I think i’ll slightly be uncomfortable for a while too. Then again with a single room it’s going to be super hard to make friends I wont be able to instantly make friends the first day moving in i’ll have to go out of my way the whole first semester to try & make friendships. Not to mention a single room will cost a bit more too. I just don’t know what to do because Im friendless here at home & so I know how bad loneliness fucks with my mentality and making friends was one of the biggest things I was looking forward to doing at college. As much as I want myself to get better, suicide just always feels like an honest solution because as strong as Ive been these past 3 years I am no longer that strong, I cant keep going on this lonely path for much longer I need some sort of light.
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Damn, i feel you. High school is the worst thing ever for me too. Like you my only hope is that things will get better in college but I don´t even belive that. I can´t imagine how hard it must be to have epilepsia or some other shit like that. My basic social anxiety and depression are more than enaugh for me to handle. I hope that one day you will find something or someone that will be your light. Stay strong. peace
Oh, I remember my prom night, well it was just a year ago so I should remember it? Or not.. I didn’t go to it because I couldn’t behave socially, I would probably just be there staying, doing nothing. So yeah, you at least have that memory of your prom ?
But things can get better, and they did get better a little, though I’m still a lot of steps behind others, and it will always be that way. In college I saw what the life really is and, although I showed some improvements, my mental health got worse seeing all the life I can’t be part of.. so depression, suicidal thoughts.. I probably should make you feel better but instead, I can’t help myself either and I was just an hour ago having determined thought that I will tomorrow afternoon get drunk really badly and then jump from somewhere. So, sorry for not showing you light but deeper darkness, I just had a need to say it (selfish as always).
Btw: https://suicideproject.org/2018/07/looking-for-a-girl-company/#comments .. what do you think?
don’t worry that was very helpful im really nervous college wont be better but so far ive been told mostly good things. Don’t feel bad about talking about yourself I catch myself doing that on this website as well, I think its because most of us can relate to each other. Also if it was up to me id say don’t jump you seem like a nice person.. I read your post and think we should talk
No I didn’t jump (obviously).. It was late and I have delayed it for upcoming day, and when you wake up your thoughts of the previous day aren’t the same, you cool down and nothing of suicide… and great about that, though I’m not a good talker (what really is one of my biggest problems). Well send me your number (whatsapp?) on “andreagrohkam1 @ mail. com” (just put it together, that’s to avoid waiting for comment to be approved) (fake name, it is always good to have one mali like that). Looking forward to hearing from you
Okay. So you may have a new start at college. Have you kept your epilepsy a secret? I think you should try to work with your school and the people in the dorm to find a roommate. How bad are your seizures?
By the way, I admire your determination. People can be cruel, but not everyone is like that. I’m on your side. I want you to achieve your goals!
They can get pretty bad. Im used to having a small circle of people I interact with who all already know about my epilepsy so its the idea of coming to a new place and explaining my situation repeatedly to strangers because some people are totally chill about it but then there people are scared by it or freaked out by it. Sadly my school makes us submit where we want to live and with who by tomorrow. So I guess id feel bad choosing a random roommate and forcing them to also deal with my epilepsy. Also thank you so much for you kind words it means a lot more to me than you know 🙂
No I didn’t jump (obviously).. It was late and I have delayed it for upcoming day, and when you wake up your thoughts of the previous day aren’t the same, you cool down and nothing of suicide… and great about that, though I’m not a good talker (what really is one of my biggest problems). Well send me your number (whatsapp?) on andreagrohkam1@mail.com (fake name, it is always good to have one mali like that). Looking forward to hearing from you ?