Still here, still fighting every day to keep my head above the ocean that is pain. I’m tired, no matter how much I sleep or how much I do nothing the exhaustion remains. More often than I’d like I get the urge to give in and let myself be submerged and drown. I cry because I don’t know what else to do, I am overwhelmed. I am alone because I’m too afraid to let anyone in and it sucks. I am damaged and no matter how hard I try to I can never be ok. There’s this guy that I was hooking up with and it lasted for 4 years and it was a situationship. What I mean is that there were things about it that were relationship type of problems or situations but there was never a real relationship established. I decided to truly end it November 2017, and I did for longer than I thought. But he came back into the picture 6 months later and I was weak and let him back in. Deep down I guess I want more with him or I like him on some level but at the same time he annoys me and I hate him and want nothing to do with him. The conversation has come up about feelings and we have always ended up agreeing to leave things the way they were. I’ve asked him to leave me alone, to find someone else to hook up with and still he comes back. I don’t know why he won’t just leave and find someone else go fall in love with someone. I’ve pushed him away and said that I would always be alone and he says that he will always be there to hook up with me. Honestly it’s pathetic and I don’t want to be 40 and single and hooking up with some guy. If I’m going to be single then I mean that, I don’t want anyone around. He doesn’t seem to hear anything I’m trying to say though believe me. He’s actually an attractive guy, it really shouldn’t be that hard for him to find someone. Whether it’s someone to just hook up with or someone to date, I hate myself for fucking up. My life has already been spiraling downward and now this is just one more thing. I don’t have a job, I spent all this money on a fucking degree and I’m too stupid to pass a certification exam. I’ve taken it twice and only get 4 attempts, pathetic. I’m having to change my career but no luck finding anything that will remotely pay enough. Soon enough I won’t have a place to stay and I’ve been taking care of 2 elderly relatives round the clock for years now and more so lately as their health has severally declined. Them dying frightens me and stresses me out. So of course submersing myself in this ocean of pain seems so much easier than fighting to stay above it. What is the point? Why am I fighting so damn hard for? There is no real future here let’s be real, there’s no mission I must complete in this life. Why can’t I just die, why is that not a LOGICAL option? Because I swear, lately it makes perfect sense..
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It’s a legitimate answer, as far as I’m concerned. But it’s a permanent choice. I always recommend people exhaust every other option and honestly try to change things before committing to that choice.
You should find that future, or that mission. An ideal to work towards, even if it’s just improving yourself, or finding and making a stable relationship.
If you don’t want to drown jump into the boat. Can’t tell you what or where the boat is though, that is what you should find out on your own. All I can say is that there is a boat for you too. If you start searching you will find it sooner or later. So before you let go, if you want, look around you. Look hard, search for a boat, it may not even be far…
Okay, first thing is to stop messing around with this guy. There is no real love there. That much is obvious. Just ignore him. Completely and utterly. He will leave you alone if you do that. Next, STOP calling yourself stupid. You are not. And if you keep telling yourself things like that, you will begin to believe them. Next, you still have two more chances to get your certification. You’ve already seen the general material twice, so you have a pretty good idea of what it is that you need to learn. It has nothing to do with you being stupid and everything to do with just learning what is needed. You can do that. Really get involved with it so you understand it. You have no reason to kill yourself. Your life just sounds like it has been sucking for awhile and it has taken a toll on you. So, improve your life situation and you will begin to feel much better. Change is not as difficult as it appears. Just take some positive action and don’t give into the urge to wallow in your misery. Be stronger than that. I know you can do it. Imagine the woman that you would ideally like to be. Then slowly work on emulating that standard. This will raise your self-esteem and you will start to feel better.