Feeling Alone and Scared

Hi everyone,

I’m sort of a new user and just need to get some things off my mind. I have been struggling with depression and GAD for a long time now, and it only recently got to the point where I couldn’t bear it. The feelings of uselessness and hopelessness got worse and worse, to the point where I was on the verge of ending it all one night before scaring myself and heading to emerg. Since then everyone I’ve told has offered me help and support but as much as I try and take their words to heart it never actually sinks in. My friends are amazing people, but every time I try and bring up my true dark thoughts I also ruin the conversation and it feels like I’m dragging them down with me. Plus there’s the part of my psyche that doesn’t want help, that doesn’t want any of them to care, because the less attached they are the easier it will be for them once I’m gone. I’m on antidepressants now, but all they’ve done is numb a bit of the urgency I felt to kill myself, I still have panic attacks and sometimes can’t leave my room, and think about dying every day and how I could do it or what would work best. I even do research and make notes. It feels like, though my life is supposed to be getting better, it’s simply spiraling back down to that same point when I held a bottle of pills in my hand and dreamt about the world slipping away.

I found this website completely by chance, and I pray that it will turn out to be a bit of a godsend. Even by simply reading through your posts, I see pieces of myself in others, things I could never bring up in everyday conversation. And that’s already a bit of a comfort.

Thank you all.