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Forgiveness is Bullsh*t

by eternaldarkness

We are told by society that “we MUST forgive our abusers” and that if we don’t “then we’ll never find love and happiness.

First of all- this is a** backwards. Why is it that the VICTIMS are the ones who must forgive the a**holes? Why is it that when people do heinous things to people, say for ex, a little boy who gets raped, that it is incumbent upon the BOY who has to forgive his abusers. WTF kind of logic is that?

People who have been abused are already abused. Now on top of that, people are pointing fingers at the victims who are suffering, and basically implying that they are depressed because THEY haven’t CHOSEN to forgive their abusers, and that THEY must “choose the high road”, etc etc.

It’s shaming and blaming the victims even more. It’s not like anyone who’s abused wants to live in pain and agony, or live with so much anger inside themselves. It’s not like we can simply tell ourselves, “ok, let’s just forgive x, y, z, and ok, Done!”

It doesn’t work that way. Forgiveness is a RESULT of the person working on their lives and in the end becoming free from the past that haunts them. Sometimes this takes decades. Sometimes it never gets healed or “fixed.” But forgiveness is not something you can simply tell yourself to just do and that’s that. No one WANTS to be in pain and hold on to all that pain and anger. If we could all just “let it go” we would. But it’s not so easy, and life doesn’t work like that.

I’m just pissed at society that points the finger back at us, the VICTIMS. We are BLAMED for our depression. “Well, if you just forgive x, y, z, then you won’t be depressed anymore. If you’re still depressed, well then it’s your fault.” That’s basically what society is telling us.

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BestIdiot 7/1/2018 - 4:09 pm

Sounds religious to me. And I am not religious, so I do not believe that you have to forgive anyone if you dont feel like it. I also don’t forgive alot of people, depending on what they did. Because they don’t deserve it and are not even slightly apologetic. So, regardless of what society says you should do, I believe that you should do what you feel. Forgive or don’t forgive.

“Seek not abroad, turn back into thyself, for in the inner man dwells the truth” is a quote I like to use for myself when I feel disoriented and pressured into doing something I feel may be wrong.

eternaldarkness 7/1/2018 - 6:17 pm

The problem is that everyone is coming at me, telling me “you must forgive,” even from well-meaning friends who are genuine. It’s like society is brainwashed into believing certain things that aren’t true.

eternaldarkness 7/1/2018 - 6:23 pm

And if you’re still depressed about things in your life, they’ll say “see, that’s why you’re still depressed. You need to forgive first.” When it’s the opposite. You need to heal and get better, THEN maybe forgiveness may happen. Forgiveness is something that can happen, but people aren’t able to CHOOSE to forgive or not. No one chooses to hold onto pain and choose to not forgive. It’s not like looking at a cheesecake and saying “nope, I won’t eat this. I CHOOSE not to.”

Forgiveness is not a choice. The fallacy that we can CHOOSE to forgive is something that is shoved down victimized people, and it pisses me off. Nobody CHOOSES to live in pain and not get over it. Nobody CHOOSES to hold onto anger and not be able to forget or forgive people.

spookichick 7/1/2018 - 5:27 pm

granting forgiveness for yourself or for anyone for that matter, is individualistic and optional. i was thrown across a room , had my bedroom door busted in, etc… by my dad from age 3 to age 16. he got help from his shrink and stopped. he would not forgive himself after that. years later he got sick , the cancer won, and he was close to dying. i had the best time with him, forgave I’m, and before he died he acknowledged that i had helped him forgive himself. not all situations end like that, i really don’t care what society thinks in general, so that’s just me, personally.

bd2342f2 7/1/2018 - 6:35 pm

I second that. Forgiving someone isn’t for them. It can be, but really I forgive people to put it behind me. To try and understand as best I can, to accept, and then to move forward. The anger, and sadness – letting it brood and holding onto it every day can be exhausting. Destroying. The truth is, life is short and tragic. I felt that I was ready to let go of the unnecessary weight I was carrying around. That doesn’t mean things never happened, or that I never feel or think about stuff – but rather, I just stop beating myself up with it. I found a lot of my misery was optional, because I was holding the real misery too closely.

But, that’s just me. Everyone’s different, and forgiveness isn’t always the right answer. Sometimes you need to hold onto those things.

a1957 7/1/2018 - 5:55 pm

I could not have said it better myself.

astranger 7/1/2018 - 9:34 pm

Hi. I’m sorry that you’ve been abused. And you are very correct in calling out the bullshit about forgiving the perpetrators. A victim is under no obligation whatsoever to blindly forgive someone who has deliberately caused them horrible pain. True forgiveness is earned. If the person that hurt you offers a deep and sincere apology, and tries to make amends… then perhaps forgiveness could genuinely take place. But, we all now that this very rarely happens. So, on the contrary, you DO NOT FORGIVE someone who has hurt you terribly on purpose. It’s absurd to even expect such a thing from a victim. You should reach out to other victims. Support from others who understand because they are there themselves can be tremendously healing. Offering up forgiveness to an abuser is basically like saying “hey, go ahead and violate me all you like.” It’s self-betrayal and will only hurt your sense of self-worth even more than it already has been. Just know that you’re not alone and many kind-hearted people will help you out of this nightmare if you just reach out to the right people. This is a good site. There are many very kind people on here. They know pain very well…

OFFTheShadows 7/1/2018 - 10:22 pm

Recently they started to me with this bullshit of “you must forgive” and the truth is you mustn’t.

The only thing you need is to go on with your life and that’s it.

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