How do I stop being so lonely? Why can’t I connect with other people? Why am I so alone? I just feel desperately alone. I don’t have any real friends, any close friends. People that consider me as ‘their spiritual brother’ said to me things like ‘you should go outside to feel better’ or ‘if you wanna kill yourself so much, do it right now’. Never real support, never being a real friend. Just this.
And yeah from time to time I get close to nice people and I feel like I get to be friends with someone. I don’t stop being sad but at least I feel less lonely and I feel listened. But every single one of my friends ghost me. Always. Every single friends ends up forgetting me, getting fed up of me, replacing me… And it hurts so fucking much. Why am I temporary to everyone? Why can’t I form a lasting friendship?
I guess everyone just takes their time to realize I’m not a good person. I’m selfish, self-centered, narcissistic, mean, and a bad person overall. It’s like I’m drowning and when someone tries to help me I just pull them and drown them with me. I,e I had one online friend months ago, but she started to ghost me. One time she writes to me after a long time and she says she tried to kill herself a few days ago. I felt really scared and relieved that she didn’t, but I also thought ‘well, maybe this means we are going to talk more!’… I feel like people has to be sad to be with me. Like I am poisoned and everyone I touch gets infected with my darkness and sadness.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be happy, so I should just die. I want to die, and lately I’ve been thinking about it more than ever. It always thought about it, but now it feels like I’m finally going to try. I always thought about what will I say before I die to everyone I know, but I realized it will be meaningless, because they will not care if I do. It will be like all the support they gave me, all the heartfeel messages, the promises that they think I’m good and they don’t plan to stop talking to me- meaningless.
I just want real human affection.