I have lost my way in life

  July 13th, 2018 by roland

Sometimes, lots of times, I think of ending it. I don’t really want to, like everything else in my life I have very little will power. The smoking, drinking, but worst of all its the endless thoughts. I am not sure if its voices. sometimes its me, sometimes its a movie character. There is never any purpose to it, just every day things I guess. I cant sleep, when I do its a crash, feels like getting hit by a freight train. I think I am afraid of the dark.

The last 2 months have been the lowest and darkest I have ever experienced. My whole life I have always been the odd ball. I remember when I was a kid, maybe 8 and I was screaming and crying and telling my parents I don’t want to die. I have seen therapists before and been on medication but nothing ever seems to be right. This time I really did it. I left my family. even my own son. I said mean things to him, never want to see him or my mom or anybody again. I have ignored them trying to get in touch with me and now it is so quiet. How can a man abandon loved ones like this. I am in so much pain. I want to see them but at the same time I want to stay away. Im not right in the head. It has been this way my whole life. I cant go back and I cant go forward. I am trapped.

I think the matrix is real…

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