I just wanted to get this off of me

Feels so weird writing about my feelings. I always ignore them, as much as I can, they get so suffocating, and my thoughts do the same as well. It’s not that I’m dumb like many people think, I’m just extremely aware of everything and my mind just doesn’t stop overthinking every little thing and I don’t know how to control it, so I just ignore it as hard as I can, and as a con, this coping skill makes thinking in general harder, it’s very hard to use my brain properly, that’s why many people thinks I’m an idiot, and I would be fine with that if they wouldn’t go away and leave me alone. You see, I have never had a single friend or partner in my entire life that wasn’t fake, and stabbed me in the back every time he or she had a chance, or abused me in every single way, no matter how hard I’ve tried, they always end up being the same, until a couple of months, I’ve met this guy, I think he’s the only person that’s real in this world of masks, and false people. And I fell in love with him, he wasn’t perfect but I don’t need or want someone perfect, we started dating, and everything was fine and happy at the beginning, and I don’t know how it all went to shit. It’s probably my fault, now he’s looking every excuse to leave me, and I think I’m “fine” with that, I’m fucking annoying and hard to love, and I think he will be more happy without me, to be honest he was the only reason that I wasn’t depressed or wanting to kill myself. And if he leaves me I’ll go back to that horrendous loneliness and depression, I literally have no friends or people to talk with, I have trouble talking with my parents, since my mother verbally and psychologically abused me through so many years, I feel that how can I trust anyone If the person that had give me birth and raised me treated me that way, every bond that was important for me in my life has gone to shit. And frankly, I don’t know what to do, I’ve been depressed once, it was horrible, just staring at the wall in a dark room crying, having suicidal thoughts and many times strangling myself, I didn’t eat, or drink water, it was hard for me even to go to the bathroom, because of that and because I’m naturally skinny, in that time I lost 33 pounds in a week, I was very weak and malnourished, I kept losing weight for a long time. I don’t really have talked to anyone that had experiencing depression or has. But I’m feeling that emptyness, sadness, anxiety that is particular from depression. I don’t really want to keep living if I will never have not even one friend that it will genuinely like me, or everyone that I will consider special will get tired of me and walk away or abuse me. I don’t want to keep living if I keep feeling that horrendous emptiness and putrefaction inside me every day of my life, I just wanted a person to show me genuine love and support me but not even my parents could do that, why a friend or anyone do that then. It’s sad that when I was younger I was aspiring to be a successful adult that would be happy and have many friends, and now I’m just… this. I really wish that all of a sudden my life gets better and I’m finally happy, I’ve waited for a long time and tried hard to be happy and make people around me happy, it didn’t work, at all. And I’m tired of trying and failing, and people abusing me, telling me how stupid I am, etc. I just wanted to be happy you know, I guess that its impossible for me, I guess the only thing left to do is giving up. Thank you if you read until the end, it means very much to me. Oh and if there’s any mistake in this text it’s because I’m not a native english speaker and I’m still learning.