I resent the person that I am

By far my greatest fault is my inability to control my own habits and to set up a daily routine. All I want to do is smoke weed and play video games. I don’t want to leave my room, I don’t want to do anything productive. It took me a month to put the uniform from my ex-job into the washing machine. A procedure that took about 5 minutes. This might cost me a bunch of money, yet I was so powerless over my own day-to-day stuff that I didn’t do it.

Sometimes I sit down and tell myself to stop the self-pity and try to think of any positive qualities that I have…and I legitimately cannot think of any, no matter how hard I try. I don’t have anything to bring to the table, to myself or anyone else. The only thing I can think of is that people said I was smart. Well great, I’ll keep being smart in my cave where you all banished me to.

See how pathetic I am? I’m jumping from ‘I’m worthless’ to ‘you banished me to a cave’. I am full of these internal contradictions that I cannot resolve. I get caught in thought loops often that I cannot deal with, this is one of them.

I’m 25. I’ve been out of education for 7 years. How smart I was is irrelevant at this point: both my problem solving and my creativity decayed under meaningless warehouse jobs and ‘customer assistant’ bullshit. By now, I am just as stupid as the next guy.

Other than that, I am paranoid about people, I feel a tremendous amount of fear and hatred towards everyone. I cannot trust anyone. I don’t talk to anyone about anything. I’ve missed out of critical early childhood social development, so by now I am so tremendously far behind that I can never again have social connections.

Other than that, I am terribly judgemental. I think everyone is stupid and I’m so fucking smart. I am very quick to notice how people make broad, ham-handed statements about things like politics or education that they have absolutely no fucking clue about whatsoever. As soon as I see a person talking like that I will try to ‘poke’ them to engage them in a debate, which never leads anywhere. I am LOOONG done trying to prove them wrong or actually carry through with the debate, because I know it’s just ‘everyone has their own opinion’ in the end. FUCK your opinion, you stupid ignorant ****! ENGAGE ME! DEBATE ME! PROVE ME WRONG OR ADMIT THAT YOU ARE WRONG! DON’T ***** OUT OF THIS! I just poke them, get a rough idea where they stand and if I sense ‘biased, unreasonable’ I leave them.

I don’t want to talk to or interact with anyone, yet I feel terribly deprived of any socialisation or intimacy. I haven’t had a female-friend in over 6 years, and that’s just on paper, if I’m entirely honest I never had a proper relationship in my life. Sex is a myth, last time I did it it just got me into a ton of trouble. The last one before that was 3 years ago, and the one before that about 6-7 years ago. This means I am also ugly, overweight, coarse and unpleasant to be around. Women can smell my pain, my sadness and they can tell that I’ve been neglected for years, so they wisely back away. I can’t exactly blame them, but I suffer.

I’m sitting here, trying to think of something good about myself. I used to want to help people, I used to have an altruistic edge, but now even that is gone. Nobody will ever take advantage of me again. People are in this game for themselves, so am I.

I used to be honest, but that too is gone, I lie more and more every day.

My current dream is to figure out a means to make money from home, so I can create a life where nobody will ever see me again. I mean, literally, never set sights on me. I will build my own drop-box where I will have food delivered and I will never-ever leave the house. Or talk to anyone or show my ugly face.

I feel like an ogre. At one point that was my ridicule-name. This big, brutish, clumsy thing that people either laugh at or are afraid of, depending on it’s mood and the situation.

I’m not even good at video games. You might think someone that literally does nothing but that would be half-decent at this point. but I never stick to any 1 game to master it, I just keep jumping from one to the other, never acquiring any serious rep or achievements.

I have no professional qualities, intelligence or talents left. I have no inter social skills and I even suck at my own hobbies. I am truly the most worthless person alive. I just want my self-preservation instinct to take a day off so I can hang myself. I already have the method figured out (drop hanging), the place and the time (late at night so nobody will save me). I just need to be sad and angry enough to do it.