I was a bit problematic ever since I was in elementary, my dad had another family and left us although he supported our family financially, I still need a dad and I was just around 11 when that happened. When I entered middle school, I had new friends and I was really happy, I started to change and forget the problem/s I encountered. I even thought of studying Psychology and help people overcome their fears, issues and problems. But then recently, I found out I’m suffering Borderline Personality Disorder, I’m impulsive, have low self-esteem and do self-deprecating. I think of myself pathetic. My friend showed my a funny video of me rolling my eyes, K was seriously laughing but then something triggered me when she said that she’ll post it in social media, we had a short fight but then I asked forgiveness for being so sensitive and such. But she didn’t replied and started to backstab me. I was immature to start a twitter fight, so she asked me to confront her the next day, the night before we will meet one of my friend send me her conversation with friend #1 and I was truly hurt with the content. She said if I’ll not meet her up around recess she’ll never talk to me for 15 years. I was shocked, for a small and immature fight she’ll go to that extent of not talking to me for 15 years. I’m already having anxiety, overthink, and I’m having a breakdown. But something scared me and decided to seek advice, I started to doodle about suicide and just death. I was truly scared but then the more I think of it the more I realize that I’m not worth living here. Please help me, I still want to live but then these thoughts bothers me. When I see razors or anything that are sharp I feel crazy and like happy, then thoughts would swirl around my head.
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I think I have BPD too, we all need t-shirts because we’re sensitive people. Delay those urges and try to question why this one cruel friend has tried to upset you so badly after trying to post a video of you(which is understandable you reacted badly) AND you asked for forgiveness (better than most people with BPD I’ve known a few besides myself). You did the right thang, she’s a bad friend do you want to end all of your potential choices for someone like that? Like really think about it. All those possibilities gone for one person and they don’t even seem to be considerate of you. I’d say love yourself as much as you can, people come and go and we survive it and often grow from it. I know abandonment is a huge issue for people like us but try to see it as an open door, creating space for better friends and space to learn how to view loneliness as a desperate need for time to yourself.
I’m diagnosed with ‘tendencies’ but I honestly feel like I have full on bpd. It’s like the slightest things are triggering and when I’m triggered I nearly always resort to some kind of substance abuse or fantasize about razors and ODing on pills. I intentionally amassed a big collection of Seroquel by lying to my psychiatrist and it just sits in a bag in my dresser and I fantasize about it all day most days. Small fights always seem to lead to big consequences. And I keep hoping that it will get better. And I hope so hard that it will for you. BPD or no, you seem like a good person and we need more of those in this world.
Although I don’t have BPD, the way your suicidal thoughts came about is very relatable to mine. Before you know it they’re just there, like a dark cloud consuming your thoughts and turning every suicidal opportunity into a seemingly glorious and exciting escape. I still feel that way, too, no matter what face I put on to everyone I know. I get the creative aspect of it as well, I often write cryptic poetry only I can understand about ending myself. The only thing keeping me on this earth right now is clinging to the thought of how sad I would make some people if I died. Sorry if I can’t offer to much helpful advice, but I just wanted you to know I can definitely relate.