I tried to kill myself back in October

Took a bunch of immune suppressants for a disorder I have. My body basically stopped producing all white blood cells, bone marrow, potassium, you name it. I was in excruciating pain after about 15 hours and when my roommate found me she took me to the ER. Once I was admitted they gave me an anti-nausea and pain shots and it was the most blissful moment of my entire life. My roommate was furious, nurses were staring at me with sad eyes, and the doctors were telling me it would be a long and painful death, but I should be gone before the end of the week.

I started laughing. at that point I was so delirious with pain I had little to no filter. I tried to make a joke to my roommate along the lines of, “oh man those girls at the desk out there sure are gonna feel bad when they find out I’m actually dying”.  Doctors asked for clarification on what I meant, and I explained that the three girls that weren’t taking down my info were laughing so loud in the background at their own conversation that I was asked to repeat things multiple times. (I didn’t know they would fucking send them in to my room and make them apologize).

I remember someone asking me if I was sad. I started laughing again and called them stupid. I wanted this, and had for a long time. I didn’t even care how much it hurt, I was just happy that I had finally done it right. I wouldn’t have to worry about my immune disorder getting the best of me in my later years, or the mind-numbing amount of debt I had accrued in my mere twenty years of life. I wouldn’t have to fucking be in this terrible disgusting world anymore. And I just couldn’t comprehend that every single one of those people in there with me didn’t understand where I was coming from at all.

Anyway, the whole point of this post is to talk about how I was supposed to die and didn’t.

I’d say no more than maybe 4 days have gone by in which i hadn’t wished it had worked.

I wish I had fucking died, and it’s not fair that I didn’t.