There are times when I desperately long to go back, and do it all differently. But suppose it really were possible to go back in time, and change the course of events. I feel like the only way to do it would require me travelling there, as I am now, and somehow influencing who I was then. Maybe some sort of mentor figure, intervening before it was too late. Training myself to endure in the face of hostility. To stay true to myself rather than letting fear control me. Not to cut myself off as a protection mechanism. To be open to life and it’s opportunities. To have the courage to try things I felt unsure about. The right moments to let my guard down.
But even if all that were possible, and I somehow managed to shape a version of myself that was well-adjusted, content, and connected with those around him, I feel like I’d still be stuck as this version of me. If I returned to the present, I don’t think I’d magically become that person. I think I’d have created an alternate copy of myself. And he’d be living this happy, well-adjusted life in my place. But I’d still be stuck as this miserable, twisted screw-up. I’d still have all the memories and experiences from the life that I’ve lived, even though in some objective sense they hadn’t occurred. Maybe that would be some kind of paradox. But I feel that’s how it would be.
It would be a better reality, without the aggravation I’ve caused those around me, or the wrongs that I’ve done. That other version of me could actually play a positive role in the world. But it wouldn’t get me what I actually long for. To be that other person. To live that different life. To have those different experiences.
As far as I know you can’t change the past. It would appear I am stuck with the choices that I’ve made. All that I can decide is what choices I want to make going forward. But I can’t see any way of becoming who I long to be, with the knowledge of my past. There is no way to make up for the lost experiences and opportunities. Those times are gone. My mind has become old, and set in it’s ways. My preferences, habits, reactions – it’s all shaped. Sure, there’s some plasticity there still, but this is largely who I am now. I can decide to act differently, going forward. But the underlying pattern of experiencing the world is set. And I don’t know how to live with that. How to live with myself. I can’t unsee the things I’ve seen, or forget what I’ve thought and felt. I carry it with me, everywhere I go, and the weight of it feels unbearable.
Moving forward with all this in my mind feels impossible. My brain is trapped in the past, and any future experience gets shaped through that. It’s all stuck in my head, and it eats away at me, no matter what I do. I can’t forget, and I don’t know how to let go of it all. I can’t see how I’ll ever be able to connect with another person again. The past is always there. The knowledge of what I’ve done, and who I’ve been.
I long for a chance to go back and do it all differently. But what I’m effectively longing for there is an end to myself. To the person who did things this way, and ended up so irreparably screwed up, beyond all hope. An end to me, to my life, and someone completely different in my place.
7 comments
You sound like you are being your own judge, jury, and executioner. But I understand the desire to go back. I don’t think it’s just to fix mistakes and change outlooks and outcomes. I think we want to go back because in some way we have realized that we do have a measure of worth, that we are broken in some fashion, and that if we’d been loved and guided when we were more malleable, that it could have real life impact for us now.
Some of us can still get there. Your mindset seems better than the last time we communicated here. I think you can make changes that will improve yourself and your circumstances. As for peace with the past? Sometimes amends can be made and apologies offered, sometimes not. Sometimes we can just promise to never allow ourselves to even visit such dark places, so as not to be tempted to stumble again.
I hope you find your way out of this maze. Somehow, I believe you are close.
I believe I used to have a measure of worth. I see it in the photos of who I used to be, and memories of who I was then. But I guess I degraded that over the years, through millions of choices big and small. And though it’s still part of me, it’s no longer who I am. I can’t be that person anymore, because I’ve built up so many incompatible layers over the top of it. That person can’t survive with my reality – he wouldn’t be able to bear it.
I broke myself, in such fundamental ways that they became core to my character. And then I layered on extra kinds of brokenness, to try and cope with the pain from the consequences of the first layer. Layers so deep that now they tarnish everything I do.
It’s not that I wasn’t loved. But if I’d had lots of specific guidance from someone who really understood what I was doing to myself, then maybe it might have made a difference. Or maybe I would have carried on regardless. It’s not like there weren’t warnings.
I don’t think I’m one of those who can ‘get there’. Some people are just too far gone. But I do agree there are things I can do to improve my mindset and experiences. It’s probably never going to be what I long for. I think I’ll always feel alone, no matter how many people I surround myself with. I don’t think I’ll ever feel a real connection with anyone, or experience emotional intimacy – because no one will ever really know me. I will never be able to share my true self, because it’s morally reprehensible. I don’t expect to ever feel content again, or at peace, or be free from the fear of what I’ve done. Or to really enjoy an experience without it being clouded by anxiety.
But apparently all that isn’t enough to make my desire for an end override my desire to live. So I guess I may as well at least go through the motions of pursuing a meaningful life, and try not to do any more to make things worse.
It’s just hard sometimes to deal with that longing for the past, while knowing that there’s no way back. The regret and sadness of it can feel overwhelming. Hence melancholy posts.
Anyway, thanks for your input.
I hear you husk. I wish I could go back in time and fix some things. Because of my errors in the past I have some major problems present day
I hope there’s some way for you to move forward.
I can’t help but think of “the butterfly effect” in a scenerio where time travel is an option..
I think the only remedy in my case would be to murder my biological mother. The eldest of her offspring is a pedophile and the rest of us suffered at the hands of him. I’m not sure who else suffered by his hands, but he used to hand us over to his friends as though we were nothing more than sacks of meat. I cant say for sure if all our rapes were arranged by him.
So either biological mother would have to die or pedophile sibling would.
The desire to go back and change past mistakes exists only because you know better now. In high school, I got mixed up with the wrong crowd and got into trouble. I thought they were cool/fun and I while knew they were bad people but I thought it was more of an act (I downplayed how bad they really were). I was even warned by others but I didn’t listen.
I got dragged into a mess they created and learned a valuable lesson, I guess I deserved it-like touching a hot stove, sometimes we just have to find out for ourselves. Yes, it has bothered me to this day that I knew better and yet I still did something very stupid.
That’s just one mistake on a big pile of dumb things I’ve done that I regretted over time. Mind you I’ve tended to be a fairly careful person and I’ve noticed it’s when I get emotional, where I push the envelope-take foolish risks, that gets me in trouble.
So I do the best that I can to avoid getting very emotional and to try to deal with things as rationally as possible. I still make silly mistakes (human nature) but I don’t make the kinds of life-changing blunders I did when I was younger because I know better now.
The past made you who you are today and the key is to not repeat those same errors. That also includes jumping on good opportunities. Life is also about risk-you could live in a bubble, avoiding contact with people, not trying something new and avoid facing rejection, scorn, disappointment. But then you also miss out on chances of finding great thrills, joy, happiness as well, that’s also a life not worth living. The key is balance-take moderate risks but nothing too crazy.
Lastly, if you are obsessed with the past then it prevents you from living in the present and making a better future for yourself. If you’re consumed with self-hatred, for instance, you’ll probably miss out on a great opportunity in front of you.
I had a chance of meeting some hot girls who were showing interest but I was so depressed and consumed with self-hate, I really couldn’t come across as being happy, friendly, outgoing-traits necessary when you want to pick up/date someone. It wasn’t all bad, I had good moments as well and did date a number of girls but it could’ve been a lot more had I not been so down and hard on myself.
But I am grateful I didn’t get married to anyone-because being financially independent was a higher priority for me. I couldn’t settle for the domestic life as my friends have, working like a dog to support your family, just not for me. Being well off comes first for me, then a significant other and maybe a family.
Bottom line here, you just have to find a way to drop all that heavy baggage you’re carrying around. I know it’s not easy, I guess I get so busy with other things in my life that I don’t think about the past as much as I used to.
Perhaps that’s what you need to do as well to get beyond it. Dive into your job or hobbies/activities and just enjoy the present. 10 years from now you might be saying that you regret wasting your time thinking about the past.
Death isn’t hard to get for those who are very determined. That’s something I figured out ages ago so I kept living just to see what’s around the corner in my life. Maybe it’ll be great and if it isn’t, then it’s no real loss since I was going to die one day anyway…but at least I stuck around to try to make things better for myself.
At the same time, I’ve resolved not to stick around too long. Like a bad movie, if it really won’t get any better than I will definitely end my life by my mid-50s (I’m in my 40s now) latest. No point dragging things out for no reason if my life never improves.
Every. Single. Thing. That I do, don’t do, say, don’t say digs the hole of my present even deeper. I, too, don’t know how to become the person I wish I could be when my every thought and action is shaped and judged from the past of yesterday and the many days before then. I have often wished time travel were possible because then I would go back to the first day I had met her & hopefully stop all this from ever happening.