I’m feeling like a zombie with no movitation to find brains even though I need brains to live

  July 29th, 2018 by sugarcoated

I have lost all movitation. I’m just coasting through my last year of school only barely passing my tests. This is where grades matters the most, but I’m just so fed up. I’m exhausted emotionally and physically. I just don’t care. Not only that, my friendship group has broken up. I have no more support from them. I barely see them these days. The only person that is supposed to be my “friend” always makes fun of me and puts me down, when she is bullying me I ask her to stop, I always do, she says she will stop, but she doesn’t. But I put up with her shit because I have no one else that will be my “friend”.

I’m pretty much the quiet and shy kid in class, although I tried to break this label, but alas, no one will talk to me. They all avoid me like the plague. I don’t even get called on by the teacher (guess I should be thankful for that). No one likes me. I’m a fucking loner. The label I was trying to avoid my whole life.

I’m not doing well in school. Teachers can’t teach, they don’t support me, but they support the popular students. My grades are dropping. I just can’t figure it out why I am like this. Why am I such a failure? Why am I so useless?

There are times that I just want to kill myself just to stop the pressure that’s being pushed on me. 

But I can’t because my family. I’m the eldest child so I have the responsibility to make money for the family. We are pretty much poor. My dad wants to retire in a few years, but he knows he can’t because he has to pay off debts and bills. My mum gets mad and depressed and constantly tells me I’m useless. I manage to get my first job this year, but I only work around 2 hours once a week because of senior year.

Anyway, I’m pretty much feeling like a zombie. I’m just doing things because I have to. It’s not making me happy. I’m don’t know if I am dealing with depression or that I’m just sad, because I don’t care.

If someone pointed a gun at me right now, I wouldn’t care if they pulled the trigger. I’m too much of a coward to do it myself.

I’m planning on getting drunk at a party (which I’m my “friend’s” plus one) just so I can stop feeling depressed and apparently I’m a happy drunk with uncontrollable laughter. I don’t know if it’s because I’m fed up with life or if it’s because I want someone to notice me. I’m just so lost.

Someone please help me and give me advice, otherwise thanks for reading my rant.

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