Do you / would you live your life for someone else. What I mean is like you are done with life but others aren’t done with you, you’d seriously fuck up other people by leaving like that. If this was someone you cared about, would you put them above yourself and try your hardest to act fine and carry on so they would be fine or is it more of a “my life my decision” thing to you? (which I completely understand)?
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I put my ex on a pedestal. After the breakup i’ve struggled to find my own self worth. But i was suicidal even when we were together so i can’t exactly answer properly, it has definitely lowered my self worth even more though. one less reason to stay i guess..?
damn i feel this. the only reason i’m still here is bc i know how bad it would hurt some people if i decided to end it
Short answer: Yes.
Long answer:
For the last 5 years, for the first time in my life, I wanted to live. I wasn’t negative towards it, and I wasn’t indifferent either. It was the first time I actually felt like I wanted to be here.
Something happened, and when I was 14 I decided I wanted to die. But, I’m an only child and my family was very fragile and sensitive. My suicide would definitely kill two others, and possibly more. I decided to wait double my age, until I was 28. By then I was confident most of my close family members would be dead. I closed myself off from everything, including the pain I felt at the time. I was numb. Mimicked emotion, made myself feel what I believed I “should be feeling”. Detached. Cold. Waiting. Burning time until I died or was able to kill myself.
I’m 24 now. 5 years ago I met someone who became my best friend, and started a social-group / club thing. He was so amazing… I opened myself up. I let myself love him, truly. Not just a mimicked “I should be feeling love right now”- but just, spontaneous. Never told him, naturally. I was content. More then content. Eventually all my emotions came back, and were mostly beyond my control. My world had color. Not only did I have a reason to be alive, I had a reason to live. To want to live. I was happy. Not only that, but I wanted to die happy. I never knew that was even a possibility. I never knew that was something I wanted.
March of this year everything fell apart. Well, it was the big turning-point for everything falling apart over the next few months. That will to live left, and then the opportunity to die happy was also taken. Then I put my trust in someone when I was at my most vulnerable, and was lied to, used, and betrayed. Life really likes to kick me while I’m down. But it enough to push me over the edge, and I’ve started to feel (just a little bit) numb again. I dont want to… Its worse than death. But, It’s the only way I can manage to survive.
Needless to say, I don’t want to be here. But my situation is the exact same as it was before I met the person I love. If I leave, I hurt others. So I’m back to waiting. Hoping for an opportunity, or a loophole. Trapped.
This is a great post. We hate to admit it, but suicide IS selfish if you have loved ones depending on you. It’s like saving yourself from a burning building before you help the others.
When my mind is rational, I see it this way and there’s no way I’ll kill myself because my greater duty is to live for others who need me. Unfortunately when the dark cloud takes over, I become blind and selfish and start thinking of suicide. I’ll try to remember this post next time I’m in a suicidal cloud. Thanks for posting it.