Living in the mind

I feel death all the time. I hide in my bed the whole time because I’m scared of the outside world. It’s not that it broke me, I think that I did that part myself. I’m too weak to pick up the broken pieces or let them there and move on. I just sit here in the dark with my mind reflecting on what my life could’ve been if I didn’t make those choices. I’ve built a whole world inside my mind. A world were no one can tell me what to do. A world where I am in control, I created a woman in this world that looks like you. I have a daughter in that world that looks like you. I think because of that I created a few versions of myself in the real world.

1. To my family and friends knowledge I’m a person who always laughs and helps everyone around me.

2. To the rest of the world I act like I’m dumb so I can see their real faces. (and I thought I was the bad guy haha)

3. My mother just knows that there’s something wrong with me but I’ve never told her about my condition.

She tries to help and support me in every way she can. But after you left you took my heart with you and I can’t let anyone in ever again.

I am really fucked up because I know that I have the keys to unlucky myself out of this misery and step into the light, but I don’t want to. I feel comfortable inside this fort I’ve built. I feel scared of the real world and making bad choices again.

People say there must be something your good at. Yes and that is hurting you all of you because of my pain. And failing in literally everything in life. That’s why I don’t like to go out so much. Because eventually I’m gonna hurt and/or dissapoint you.

I hope someday I can stop being so scared and live again… But in the meantime I’m dead in the real world and living in my own mind.

V