i’ve always been suicidal, but i think i was that way for attention. i definitely felt awful but i just wanted someone to love me. now i know what it’s like to REALLY be suicidal. i don’t care who sees, it doesn’t matter if it’s by accident or nature or my own hands, i just need this to end.
the father of my unborn child is ten years older than me and he can’t get a job. when i get upset he used to be so sweet, but since i became pregnant he says i “b*tch too much” and now when i get suicidal and hurt myself or scream and cry he just sits there. it pains me so much to imagine him doing this to my baby. there’s no way out. i can’t bring my baby into this world. i can’t give my baby these parents. we are both awful. neither of us are ready. it’s too late. the poor baby. she didn’t ask for any of this. i was born with awful parents and i wanted to break the cycle. i’m no different from my own mother. the only way out is to kill me and the baby, i just don’t know how i’m going to do it. slicing m skin has been holding me over but i just want everything to stop. i can’t let my baby be born into this world. i never want her to feel how i feel right now. my poor baby girl. my poor poor baby. i’m so sorry. i’m so sorry. i’m so sorry.
15 comments
There are other options, you can leave him and live with your family. The man is a useless dead-beat so why be with him anyway? If he’s abusive towards you he will be the same way to your child.
It would’ve been better not to get pregnant but now that you are aware of what you’ve gotten yourself into, only you can change your situation. Many women are single-mothers, you can do it also. You cannot change another person but at least you can remove them from your life.
Additionally, don’t think of how this man used to be, most men are very good at deceiving and manipulating others. The person he is today is the real man he was hiding from you. He knew what he was doing, now that he has the upper hand he chooses no longer to treat you with any respect. I’d strongly advise leaving him.
i just can’t. i know he isn’t this way on purpose. i know he cared for me at one point and i hope i can make it happen again whenever i talk myself into not killing my self, but the more that seems impossible the more it seems like this is the only option. i don’t want my baby to not have a father. that’s a rough life. i’m not capable of supporting myself, it wasn’t too long ago that i was still a child and now i HAVE one. i won’t be able to be the person my baby needs. neither will he. children from adopted families grow up with issues. there is no way for me to raise a child without mental issues and if they would have issues i wonder if they’ll feel like i feel and wish they weren’t there at all. my parents didn’t plan when they had me and they didn’t care for me and they had a relationship similar to me and the father. i can’t repeat it. i just can’t. it feels like this is the only way for my baby to leave this world unscathed. i don’t want them to be tainted by the horrors i’ve experienced, the things i feel.
i appreciate your response. i understand how you feel, but i feel so strongly about him and about my baby that i can’t just….drop it and go, yknow? he tells me that he does still care for me.i want to believe it. i want to trust him even if he’s broken it. i’m at the most peace when i can be faithful to someone i love. i love him and i love our baby and all i wanted was my own little happy family
He’s already abusive towards you and it will only get worse. If you’re not far into the pregnancy abortion is an option if it’s legal in your state.
You’re making excuses for his bad behavior and you know better. If you can’t support yourself that’s another story that’s why I was saying live with family, perhaps there’s social assistance to help pay for raising the kid.
Well every girl dreams of having the family life but you also need to look at reality. If this mean makes you feel like killing yourself then maybe he’s not the right person for you?
If he can harm you he will harm your child, I’m sure you know from watching the news. All we can do is make suggestions but what you choose to do with them is up to you. Good luck whatever you decide.
correction: if this man….
i’m replying to this because this hits home and i’m not going to tell you not to do it, but only to read this and try to THINK about it. there’s no harm in thinking about your other options. when i was 16 i started dating a 25 year old. we are still together, i am 18 and he is now 28. when i was 17, i found out i was pregnant with his child about a month before i turned 18. the past year and a half he has been verbally and physically abusive. but i still loved him and was scared but happy to be carrying his baby. i knew he wasn’t going to be happy when i told him, but i thought he would deal with it. i was kind of right. but he wanted to deal with it in a way i never even considered. i told him the day i found out and i never seen him so mad. he demanded an abortion and at first i said no. then he gave me the worst ultimatum, him or the baby, “and if you choose baby i will hit you so hard you miscarry and leave you anyway”. at first i thought maybe i could do it without him, get away from him, but the only place i could go was my dad’s who lives one house down from my boyfriend. my dad is disabled and i didn’t want to risk putting him in danger. my boyfriend would talk about shooting up my school. i didn’t care if he killed me but i didn’t want to risk anyone else dying for my problem. he ended up getting into my head so much that he made me believe i wouldn’t even be able to raise a kid without him. he told me i didn’t deserve his seed. i was brainwashed to believe everything he said. i ended up getting an abortion with my own money – $800. all of my family that knew about my baby wanted me to keep it. he was the only person who didn’t want me to keep this baby. but i loved him so much i decided to do it. the only appointment i could get was the day after my 18th birthday. so the day that was supposed to be a milestone for me, i spent crying and praying i would just die on the operating table. it was too late to change my mind. he had to drive me almost three hours away from where we lived so i know if i changed my mind, i would die anyway. the only thing that gave me hope was maybe now he would finally realize i loved him so much to give up my baby and maybe things could finally get better. we fought that night and slept in a different bed and when i woke up it was time to go kill my baby and my soul along with it. i cried on the way to the clinic and he told me to stop being a baby. to shut up. i would have time to cry when it was finished. i was there for probably 8 hours until it was my turn and when it was done i was so detached that i only felt relief. weeks later all i feel is regret and hate for myself. i should’ve been stronger for my baby. holding that baby would’ve made all the pain worth it. even the pain of losing my boyfriend. but i was too scared. the ride home was terrible. he slapped me and threatened to leave me there. he said that he was thinking about making me kill my baby for him and then leaving me anyways so i could feel the pain he felt when i went to a party like six months prior to this because he thinks i cheated on him. i didn’t. no one has touched me since i have been with him. i’m not even allowed to have friends. i can’t do anything without his permission. but i stay with him because i feel that i can’t lose anything else besides him. i’m not allowed to have a job in town because someone from my past might be there yet i’m expected to somehow help pay bills. he hasn’t hit me since then that i can remember but the verbal abuse gets worse and worse. i can go on and on but i think you get the picture. i know our situations aren’t the same but i feel that i can relate to you in some way. we both have asshole boyfriends that are 10 years older than us yet can’t take responsibility. only you know what’s best for you. but that baby will love you if you let it, with or without your boyfriend. this might not change your mind but i hope it gives you something to think about. my mom always told me that it no matter how much pain she went through, holding her babies made the pain worth it and i should’ve listened to her because now all i want is my baby back. if you need to talk, i am here. please at least consider talking to me or someone else before you make your final decision.
anonymousie
How would you feel if your abusive husband beat or killed your baby? Did you hear on the news a man killing his girlfriend’s 3 yr old sweet little innocent daughter? Is that fair? Is it right to allow these vicious monsters anywhere near children where they kill them in horrific ways?
You did the right thing by aborting. Your boyfriend would’ve eventually abused your son or daughter. Don’t you think it’s selfish to want a baby to comfort yourself? What about the baby’s life, do you even care? Why don’t you find a nice caring man instead of giving yourself all this drama?
My dad was an azzhole and I hate both him and my mother for giving me this life. However they were much better parents than most people and my siblings and I were not abused that much, generally, our life was ok compared to most kids.
You need to value and respect yourself. If your boyfriend/spouse abuses you, get rid of him. You are better off without having a torturer in your life. Look at how much he controls you, not allowed to have friends, get abused/slapped, you fear your father could be harmed by this man, etc. There’s no reason to be with him.
Get rid of this dirtbag so you can be free and independent and find a man who treats you with respect always. Don’t bring kids into the world if you can’t give them a good life without abuse/pain/suffering, is the worst possible thing you could do as a mother and they’ll grow up to hate you and will become suicidal themselves.
*it’s
I hope I didn’t sound harsh but men who abuse kids really piss me off and it is your responsibility as a potential mother to provide a home for your kids without any serious abuse, they can’t defend themselves. If you can’t do that then it’s better not to have children until your situation improves.
you did sound harsh. harsh and rude.
you took a bunch of things i said out of context. i never said the baby would’ve been used for my comfort. but it would give me a reason to live and try to be better for my baby. that’s not selfish. selfish was throwing away something special and unique for the sole reason of keeping my boyfriend beside me. i made that post basically saying i should’ve been strong enough to leave him and find a better life for me and my child. and it is so painfully clear that OP wants to keep her baby, so by telling her she should abort, you’re potentially giving her a regret that she will have to live with for the rest of her life. i am pro-choice, but you should be reallly reallly sure because there’s no take backs. if there’s any part of you that wants to have that baby, you shouldn’t abort because the guilt and regret will eat you alive just like it’s doing to me. also, i wrote that post before i even saw the post about telling her to get an abortion. yes she can keep that as an option but that’s not going to solve all of her problems especially if she wanted to keep the baby. it will only add more problems. she will still be with her abusive boyfriend with even more reasons for wanting to die. i just made that post so she could know she wasn’t alone. i felt suicidal when i was pregnant, and still feel even more suicidal now that i’ve had an abortion. it might be the right thing for some people but it wasn’t for me. so thanks for being rude and making me angry when i’m already crying.
You need to leave that guy if possible, really. And I’d only consider a baby if I could financially support it and actually really truly wanted a baby and wanted to give it a good life.
i’ve never used this site before and it seems it’s hard to reply on mobile, or maybe i’m just stupid.
to the person with the older boyfriend, that really meant a lot. i can’t express how much you exceeded my expectations of what kind of help this website could give me.
i’m currently at his moms house which i swore to never step foot in again because he left in the middle of the night last night and i knew where he went. his mom is abusive and the only condition for him coming back to me was to let his mom hold my baby and to keep contact with her. i’m not okay with this. i’m now considering murdering his mother so i can have my cake and eat it. he says he wouldn’t mind.
i’m very torn up right now and my life is so ducked up i can’t even pick it apart piece by piece anymore
i can’t stop vomiting i just wNt to cry and sleep
Well I don’t really understand but I was in an online relationship for 5 years so maybe it doesn’t count… he was abusive and manipulative. Its not going to get any better, leave if possible.
There is a chance that you can save your baby and your baby can save you. There are a lot of people out there looking to adopt a child. They will take care of you: food, shelter, medical.
It is a good chance to get away, give you both the chance for a future that has hope and potential.
Call a crisis line. Look it up on line. Go to a church. All will be able to help you find resources.
“It is a good chance to get away, give you both the chance for a future that has hope and potential.”
this is exactly what i was saying in my other post but you worded it much better. that baby could be your path to getting away from him and doing better for yourself. i’ve already went down this road and let him talk me into abortion when i didn’t want to, i could’ve found a way to leave and be safe without him. yeah it would be hard but it’s even harder to leave now when i feel like i’ve already lost everything and the only thing left for me to lose is him.
i also don’t know why people keep calling it abusive. i don’t feel abused. i feel like i’ve experinced abuse before and this doesn’t feel like it. i don’t think he’s trying to hurt me