I’m seriously considering ending it within a few weeks. One method is a bit more expensive than the other, but less painful and my head won’t look ugly if it fails. Regardless, nothing will stop me from ending it, even if it’s potentially painful. Sometimes, people’s problems aren’t so temporary, and for me that’s definitely not the case. Nothing I do can ease the pain for long, nothing I try works long enough.
Everytime I start feeling better, people ruin it. One of the instructors at the trade school I’m attending ignores me, turning his head away from me anytime I try to ask a question. He only does it to me, and I’m sick and tired of people treating me like crap. Being ignored feels worse than being criticized (to me) in most cases because it sends the message that I’m not even important enough to acknowledge. Yes, I’m aware of the fact that life will always have problems, but the fact that someone, somewhere always feels the need to disrespect me (even when I DO respect myself, which shows it isn’t my fault), and is allowed to get away with it breaks my heart and hurts almost as bad as being stabbed, as dramatic as it may sound. I go through so much pain everyday and I ignore anyone who says that I’m mentally not right. No, I see things as they are. I’m much more self aware than almost anyone I know, which is one of the few things I’m proud of. The only fear I have of suicide (if it works) is reincarnation, but my current life feels so crappy that IDGAF anymore. I’m Gnostic and will just believe that I can escape the cycle with my current knowledge, and make sure to end it only when I’m in a decent mood so bad energy doesn’t follow me when I pass over.
The only hope I can cling to is that I get an opportunity for straight sex with a random woman and I can take Magic Mushrooms before to help me get out of the depression. I’ve had sex on weed and acid with my last GF but never shrooms, whuch are my favorite thing ever. And no, I’m not an addict, shrooms only alleviate my depression, not worsen it. I’m havimg so much trouble dealing with the stress from people at school and work (unemployed ATM) and stressing about money so bad that if this doesn’t happen, I’m killing myself for sure, and f*** all those people who will judge me for it! They only make me want to do it more as an act of rebellion
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I feel you. I can see the despise people have for me in their eyes as they look at me and siletly ignore me. Im just so selfawere of it (im not proud of it in any way tho I´d much rather be numb then selfawere) I always daydream about these looks and it is just eating me alive.
I feel you man. A few people may even compliment you on it, but they fail to realize how much worse being self aware feels
How do you feel when people claim it’s your fault that people hate or disrespect you, even if you’re not a pushover? I personally hate it because it’s not always true in my experience
Weed, acid and shrooms also my favourite things, I ve never had sex tho.
I’m sorry for mentioning the sex part. It’s just I have no one to tell this to IRL without fear of being put away which is much worse than death IMO