Ok, I was here back in 2010. Seriously considering suicide and I tried to kill myself few times. It was because of the depression, and chronic anxiety. Then I got better. But still facing my chronic anxiety. So I went on antidepressants which solved it. But only to face that my brother commited suicide in 2015. And again I was considering it afterwards. Then again better, but for tha past 10 months I went onto the road of alcoholism, my behaviour pretty much detoriated. And I’m now facing even criminal charges for some things I have done when I was drunk. It will be probably nothing, and I will end up just with financial fine. But you know, it’s hard when you are wrecktrain.
I know that I can’t hurt my other brother and my parents with me taking the short way out. I don’t have any reason to do that. I have enought money, good job. Sometimes I even consider myself really ungreatful person, because of how much I have and there is shitload of people, who have it much worse, who have far less and still they are happy.
But I can’t see any reason why I should endure my psychic turmoil which is constantly in me, just for the sake of other people. Even if they are my close family, and they care for me.
I don’t know what to do. And I just want someone to know. And I want to write – please help me, but I know you can do nothing about that. Anyway thanks for reading this.
3 comments
Hey, you aren’t “ungrateful” — think of the celebrities who have committed suicide. They have a fame and money, yet they were unhappy enough to take their own lives. How much you have does not invalidate your unhappiness. You are allowed to feel unhappy no matter what social or financial status you have! I’ve found that accepting my emotions doesn’t make me feel as bad as restraining myself from having feelings that I feel like are unnecessary.
I can’t say or help you much about what you’re going through. But I read your post, so there is at least me who read your words
I too have been in mental pain most of my life and had just about all the good people and good things a man could ask for. Therapist, she is a rare good one, has helped me with the pain. I still have a ways to go. But yeah, you can have some of life’s finest things and people and a deadly load of pain at the same time. The pain is what the therapist is in my schedule for.
Thanks to both of you for replying. You know, I’m crying now. But no, that’s what big fucking strong men aren’t supposed to do. I need to be strong, I need to be perfect, I need to be supportive of my family, I need this and I need that. So right now, I said to myself – fuck it. Maybe I will kill someone today and then myself. Maybe I will just commit suicide today and hurt my family. But you know what? Fuck it. I’m fucking failure who was never supposed to be born. And I accept it. The only problem is that my family will never accept it. If they do, I would be able to quit myself in peace. And that’s the only thing I regret in this life.