Terminated but alive

With every single step I take forward, I receive a hit.  –  Am I doing it wrong?

Those questions of uncertainty flow down my throat, among my tears.   –  Why didn’t I see it coming?  Maybe I should’ve known?  Did I let my self down?  Haven’t I tried good enough? –

I feel empty like a bucket with a hole.  Even when I just feel, when I feel that I have something in me!  It turns out to be like a sack full of stones…. They are useless.  My skills are useless.

The encounters I have with life, requires way more than just stones in a sack.  They are a whole new being that requires me to be a man! to be strong.  To feel and know and hope and understand.

But, how can I?

How can I learn with out having a role mode of a father?

How can I succeed when I’m racing against professionals?

I’m not asking “why even bother” but I’m feeling it in sadness and suffering.

My hopes, my dreams, my friendships, my health, my studies –     they are all being terminated slowly… And as a whole, or just like a ship,  I’m sinking down with them.

In my hopes, I’m wishing to find someone who will help me reach for safeties.  Something to put my weight on and just float on.

Perhaps to find a cure for those unbearable voices in my head or something to calm down my worries.

I wish and hope for everything to change but my logic states otherwise.  I know it wouldn’t move an inch without me pushing everything forward.

So for each step I take, I get hit.  I’m being terminated alive, but my soul cannot and wouldn’t be stopped.

I’ll continue upon trying, perfecting myself.  I will not be intimidated, I will not stop.

Stay strong, be brave, yours Jac.

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