It’s been a few weeks since I tried to kill myself, unsuccessful at that, and now I’m stuck looking through my past. I look and see my mistakes, my foolishness, my idiotic beliefs and my stupid plans. I look back and just hate it. I always belived that anyone could be happy if they found it. Now I see that’s just another stupid thing I thought.
I always told myself whenever I heard of a suicide, “There’s no way I’ll do that” along with cutting. If my 6 year old self saw me now, he’d be mortified to see what he would become. A useless teenager that cuts to try and convince himself that he’s still human, wears a jacket all day to hide the scars and tries time and time again to escape his hell that he was both born into and built. Funny how your pain can grow in 3 years and stick for 6 more, right? I can’t handle my pain most of the time and want to die but whenever I put the noose on, or open the bottle of pills, I remember the person closest to me, and how she would just end her life as well. I can’t kill myself or I’ll ruin her family as well. I hate it. Even my parents can’t seem to hear me scream for help, instead they just beg for doctors to assign more pills. But when I talk to her, she listens and I follow suit. But when I get ready to escape, I can’t. I don’t know where I was going with this post, guess spewing my pitiful excuse of a life.
2 comments
It’s human to struggle with pain and try to overcome it though. 🙁
Just relax and take a breather… you can feel free to open up with people like us. 🙂
If your parents just want to get a doctor to assign you more pills, you might need new people to open up to…
… Maybe… if you study hard enough and think of what you want to be when you grow up, you’ll find a reason to live? Have you made any plans?
… Sorry, I know it’s a lot harder than it sounds for some people, I haven’t really gotten anywhere myself, but…
I figured you could use something to distract yourself from these negative thoughts and get support, maybe find some hobbies.
Anyways, I got to go. See you.
It’s been a few months and this is still the best thing I’ve ever seen. I appreciate you, and thank you for building my self esteem. If you ever need anything, adk and I’ll try to provide my friend. You’re awesome, and if anyone disagrees, punch them because they suck.