i’m 16. i should be doing great, with only a few reasonable identity issues. but instead, i feel like i’m barely functioning. sometimes it’s like my brain just shuts off? in mid conversation, i just panic. it doesn’t help that nearly everyone that could help me, (parents, coworkers, friends), undermine my feelings as being juvenile. i’m trying to look at them from a different perspective. say, if i were twenty something how would i react to this? how could i make this better instead of turning into a heaping mess of panic? but it never works. i’m not sure why i joined this website. i’m not actively attempting suicide, unlike what my eighth grade angsty self would tell you, but the thought of dying doesn’t scare me.
in fact, i have a few funeral plans in mind;
i don’t want a big, thousand dollar coffin just to be thrown in the ground. i’d rather be shrouded, wrapped safely in a nice little sheet that’s environmentally friendly. that’ll compose with me, you know? i don’t want to be pumped up with chemicals that are really just for a viewing, since i don’t want that. i want a nice, loving gathering of the few people i can stand as they all shove me into an unplotted hole in the ground.
my therapist, we’ll call her copper because it’s fun, says that because i want something so simple shows that i have low self esteem, but i see it more as a sign of optimism? i don’t want my funeral to be sad. i don’t want to be sad. i want a nice, warm party. away from the gravesite, obviously. maybe a pool, some stringed lights.
i want to be forgotten. i don’t want anyone wasting time on being upset. i don’t want the ripples. i want to drop off the map, with none of my pain spreading to anyone else.
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8 comments
Same age, same feeling…
It’s nice to see that other people feel this way… makes the world seem less small somehow
it really does
I wanna smack your therapist. Craving simplicity is a sign of low self esteem? Then I guess gandhi was a total loser. I like your idea of being buried in a biodegradable sack because that way your body returns to the elements and feeds trees and new life. I’ll never understand why some people want to be locked in a tin can 6 ft under for eternity.
About being young and how your reactions change as you get older, what I’ve noticed about myself and everyone I know, is that as you get older you learn better control over your emotions and that’s all. It’ll still hurt as bad if you get dumped for example, but if you’re 30 years old you’ll be less likely to cry in the middle of a crowded mall like you might when you’re half that age. But it still hurts just as bad. Appearance is the only thing that changes.
Also you’re totally welcome here even if you’re not thinking of suicide. I’ve noticed this place is for people to vent depressed/suicidal thoughts even if you’re not planning to do it. I guess the people who are really serious about suicide won’t stick around here long to chat. So welcome 🙂
thank you?
i put a little smiley face, not a question mark, sorry
Your funereal vision is beautiful and intelligent. Decomposing is the only decent thing to do. Take it from a twenty-something of terrifying rationality, your fantasies of loved ones crying around an eco-friendly corpse dressing are just fantasies.
The realities of planning a suicide are boring and shitty: life insurance in place 2 years before the suicide, will updated, copies of important documents accessible to executors, gathering possessions in one place, canonizing your corpus of work, procuring drugs or gas, testing the reliability of your setup, etc. Then the funeral itself forces significant costs and paperwork on the survivors.
i don’t want them crying, and i realize they’re just fantasies. they help me get away, though.
i love planning things.
i could never actually do it, though. not just because of the costs and how perfect every detail has to be, but my mother would actually loose her shit. i hate her, but she loves me i guess. has a funny way of showing it. i’m more scared of her finding a way of reanimating my corpse just to slap me than death.
You might enjoy the book 100 Years of Solitude. Pay close attention to the character Amaranta, who lets a teenage grudge against her adopted sister harden her heart. There are many beautiful and fantastic images that might give some extra insight to your thinking about the rites of death, subtle love/hate dynamics, and resurrection.