some shit about me

I don’t really like opening up about myself . My life feels like a big embarrassment and I’ve always worn a mask so I really hope none of my homies in real life see this (or anything else I post on here really) . I’m a 22 y/o dude though , had a pretty rough childhood , heavily disciplined parents who I’ve never really let into my life (i’ll get into that later) . I always attracted the type who liked to pick on me , I was a pretty stupid kid so it makes sense . In grade 7 I told teachers and classmates that I was a spy and that there were people after me and that I had been on top secret missions , real stupid shit like that just to get attention . Which I got through beatings , stalking , constant ridicule, isolation , etc.. I really never understood why I did that and it actually still plagues me to this day . In retrospect I’m quite surprised the school staff never reacted seriously , I really don’t understand . I never have been good looking at at all , pushing 150 by the time I was 13 (max I’ve ever weighed 315lbs ugh) , so my appearances have always also weighed on my mind (HAHA I JUST NOTICED THE PUN THERE) . I have pretty terrible social skills and I never react very well in communication situations . I went to a different high school than anyone I knew was going to and I built a few relationships there ( none that I really carry with me now because I am uninteresting and tried to date all the other people) . I managed to get myself into a 2 year long abusive relationship with a true dime piece (not joking) which to this day haunts me . I still have dreams where my exgf comes out of no where and starts beating the shit out of me like she did 3 times , calling me shit like “small dick autistic fuck” “I really hope you jump in front of a bus one day soon so I can fuck whoever I want and not feel sorry for you” “slit your wrists before I do it for you” blahblahblahfuckingbitch . Sex was dope tho . We would fuck any chance we got . She was addicted to sex and I was totally ok with that , however realized later on that whenever she would break up with me (Every second day) she would go fuck around with other dudes . After a year she confessed that she would do that and I didn’t care I just really wanted to make things work because I really thought I loved her with everything I had and seriously planned on spending the rest of my life with her (SPOILER: DIDN’T HAPPEN) . Then started the suicidal thoughts and started cutting , mostly for attention , which only gave her more fuel for her ridicule plane . 2 years of high school bullshit , beatings , crying everyday later , on her grad day , she texted me saying she was done and ever since I haven’t been able to reach her . Still try and nada . So here I am 5 years later , panic attacks , voices in my nightmares telling me to kill myself , avoiding doctors and Councillors , its like the environment around me and everything going on in this world is like a plane cruising on empty about to drop out of the sky . I cant understand my feelings but getting so lost in their volume . Work full time , which is more than enough time to think about how bad I want to die . I really don’t like anything about myself . I can’t pursue anything because I fail at everything I’ve ever done .. For instance writing this post that people probably wont be able to follow very well because the structure of it is terrible but I just really felt like sharing a couple things that have got me feeling the way I feel right now