2 years ago

I’m surprised, so very surprised. Two years, two whole years since I’ve been here. My nights of crying alone knowing I’m not good enough for anyone, gone. I rose i fell, one again I rose and now as usual I am falling. I stopped crying for what seems like forever ago. I went to TAFE, now in uni. I gained a better job, I still have no friends. I haven’t been to uni this semester, I’ve been doing my assignments though. I just can’t do it, I knew this would happen. I gave myself a year and quite honestly things looked better, I didn’t feel it but I thought if everything around me got better then I would. I’m a proud godmother and aunt to three beautiful children, my adoptive and biological family somewhat tolerate me. What’s wrong with me, I don’t know why. Don’t get me wrong I’ve been accused of so many things over the past two years that weren’t true, family abandoned me time and time again, even now I should be happy but I’m just not. No matter what I do I’m told to shut up, but out, I’m useless, stupid, annoying. I know this but surely I have some use. Right? No matter what I do I feel as if my only purpose is to disappear. It’s like I need to disappear for the good of everyone around me. I fought, like hell I fought because no one was there for me. And still no one is, I watch as I try to catch up to every ones lives and I simply can’t. Maybe this is the universe telling me I was a mistake, maybe I don’t belong here or maybe my purpose is to disappear to help some one else realise their potential. That seems about right, I guess I’ll just have to think….