Cant i just be left alone?

Can’t i just smoke a joint without being compared to my convict brother.
Can’t i just drink a beer with my friends without dissapointing my parents.
Can’t i just be left alone without being called a freak.
Can’t i be who i am without judgement of those closest to me?

My dad jokes that he dropped me on my head and thats why i cant feel.
but i cant feel, and he doesnt know it.

My little brother jokes about me becoming homocidal because of how angry i am.
but i think about it. i think about it a lot.

My mother doesnt joke. she is serious all the time. Working, always working.
Neglecting me while trying to keep the family out of the red.

My sister understands. she’s covered in scars.
she cuts and she cuts and she cuts. Maybe i should try it, once.

I have not seen my older brother in years. he ran away back up north, to a house that was less stressfull.
he would understand. i loved him.

I cant tell my girlfriend anything.
I love her but she would overreact. i cant tell her anything real.
I want to make her happy but the only way to do that is to tell her what she wants to hear.
she doesnt want to hear that my family is poor. we have 12 euros to our name.
she doesnt want to hear that i think about killing myself.
she doesnt want to hear that i dont know if love is real.
she doesnt want to hear that i believe that god is real and also a fucking asshole.

Maybe im just with her for sex.
i dont know, im screwed up inside.
i think i love her, isnt that good enough?

I want to kill myself to make a point.
but my death would mean that they wasted money on me.
i couldnt do that to them.

when i grow up im going to be fucked in the head.