ever since i was young there have been vines slowly wrapping around me. first cornering me then gripping at my body.
at first no one noticed. each year they gripped tighter. i never understood why i felt so much anxiety and fear.
before i knew it they were choking the life out of me
i panicked and began to thrash
people saw and looked in disgust because the vines are invisible to them. they just see a weird guy thrashing and flailing. screaming and shouting
i panic more when i realize no one is comming to help. the more i scream the more people vacate my vicinity
i grow weaker and weaker and more desperate but still the vines wrap more tightly and even grow thorns that cut into my skin.
i can’t stand the pain. im going crazy. i lose the ability to communicate. the pain is such that i can only scream and curse
there are so many people like me out there. swallowed up. consumed. caught slipping in a sandpit. a black hole.
and at the end of the day….”it’s his fault”
“if he would just do this”
if i could just do this i would never have been caught in this bramble forest to start with.
i wish someone would help me instead of blame me
i do realize how my rage pushes others away and im learning to let go.
the only way i can escape it to relax and untie the knots.
become a master escape artist.
while bleeding. pushing the thorns deeper and being avoided by everyone else and blamed for my own failure when this has been happening since i was a child.
im not trying to shift the blame. i know it’s my life and my responsibility
i just wish i could be my own ally. it’s so hard to stop the anger and when the anger relents its tears and then flashes of fire and anger then despair then jealousy and envy, despair again, anger, release, more tears more envy more anger more self hatred
what the hell did i do in a past life to make god hate me? that my entire fate in this life is to be choked to death and impaled and laughed at while i writhe and struggle to escape. crying and pleading while im blamed for my predicament?
ive never hurt anyone. i help my family. i try to be good to others and be kind. i dont judge people. i cant stop crying. even at work now im crying. i drive far away to be alone and cry. i dont even lash out anymore. my fists clench and i let them go and cry like a fool. im on my knees begging and still its the same.
maybe i am being punished for a past i dont remember. i just dont know