Just getting it out there

  August 31st, 2018 by The rani

?Ive never posted but im having a really bad day. I really see no end to the biopain. My heart hurts (i wasted 100 today joining exit international only to find out you need to be over 50 and not have a mental illness i just wanted to talk to ppl having similar thoughts). I have a degenerative condition which by its nature isnt getting an better the medication works just to slow the progress, so i will never live the life i want (yeah i know lower expecations and all that but i know cant do that ive tried) every year there are less things i can do.

I had a greatish life (well a whole lot better than now I felt than no matter how bad things were they would get better, now I know they will get worse) i was with a man i loved for 7 years, than he left because towards the End i wasnt doing well and wanted to kill my self (i know not so great if i wanted to die) it broke my heart and the last thing he said before he left was you can have every you want, and said i want you and ge just said you can have everything you want . its been 6 years he has moved on (the wonderful thing about still being fb friends with your ex yes i know i should delete him (i want him to delete me so i dont have to, the ducked thing is when he is single he follows and likes my runs and me on shut never talks to me but when he is dating nothing) but hope is a supper crappy thing i wish i could forget i ever met him), my very few friends i dont talk to them about this as they think i should be over him by no now but im not ive tried but im not. I have tired dating but there not him. I try to keep going i go through the montions. I tried to kill myself a few years ago but it didnt work. And my greatest regret is that it didnt i can honestly say nothing has changed even if i could wake up tomorrow forget about my ex i would still be a cripple. I know i sould pathetic upset over a man but Its not only those two things its a lot of little things like im doing a post graduate and the chances of me getting a job are slim (when i started my degree i was able bodied, my doctor thought i would be a good idea to keep going hope and all that). My degree is rather physical. I used to self harm so my arms are covered in scars deep ones that look like scars when I failed in my attempt I left another massive scar.

And before someone ask if i have seeked professional help yes i was seeing a shrink for 15 years and that didnt help it just made me stressed about money

I don’t know if anyone will reply I just wanted to get it out there

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