Lately I can do no right . Everything even remotely annoying to my significant other is my fault. Even things that I’m not even around when they happen are my fault. I don’t talk enough, I talk too much . I never want to listen to her never ending rants that have become so utterly redundant and repeated and I commit the unforgiveable sin of rolling my eyes whenever the same old rant starts over again.
As much as I want to love her it’s becoming increasingly difficult as nothing I say, don’t say ,do or don’t do is always wrong. The temptation to pack up and leave with just the clothes on my back has never been stronger. This is a woman who just has to be right no matter what to the point that I’ve grown sick of it. The other temptation is to just end my life because I really don’t have the resources to sustain myself alone nor the physical strength to get and keep a job. I’ve been very close to being wheelchair bound on numerous occasions and only regained enough strength to walk short distances.
I just don’t want to keep up on these continuous arguments that for the most part are not of my making. About the only thing keeping me from calling it quits and taking a fatal dose is my grown kids who both live in another state. I know that me ending my own life would absolutely devistate them and likely lead at least one to follow suit if not both and so I trudge through this miserable life hoping that something will change for the better.
That’s the thing.. I stay alive in hopes that it will change and I can be happy again even though I seriously doubt that this illusive happiness is in the cards for me . Instead I’ll hold out hope until my health deteriorates to the point that it no longer sustains me.