From early Age on I used different Names. Even when I tried to note them down I failed to capture it all. Ifeel guilty for having used over 20 E-Mail addresses. A letter to Google didn’t change a thing. I probably used 7 Facebook accounts, barely remembering what it was to begin. With them, some deleted at the beginning I use now 2 at once and own a 3rd. The oldest still Online will also not be recovered. My Oldest Tumblr, and I don’t knowhow anymore I lost it, but I would had liked to know what I poet I oncehad been. Now I use at a Moment like 14 different Tumblr URL’s. Just as, the Year before the latest Presidents Inauguration when I left Home I lost Data of any kind on 21 Devices. Even my Birth certificateand 3 Passport’s are circulating in the World – Interpol ison it. At leastjust 2 ID Cards, 2 Tramway ID‘s are not that heavy. I think I use now the 9th Phone Number. I lost anyway from a Peak of 1000 Contacts down to just 2 – Dad and another justIgnoring Me recently. That Person asked me, if there’s anything I didn’t lost and I said, a Contract maybe and it was wrong.
Hard to believe that I didn’t Lost myLife. I lost my Mind once in a Psychosis. Some of my dearest Memories I lost. Closest Friends Ilost. Meanings of Words changedand Lost. The common Imagination of Life is Lost. The State of a Life without forced Pain I think a Hippie has to own, Lost. The Independent behaviour I think a Punk has to have is Lost – and I made a Punk to have lost it either. Gender and Sex, Roles are Lost. I lost the truthbeneath the Symbols I use to write.Imagination, to have anything after Death that might be true, as if, being able to befall the own Life at some Point for Me, for Others, Lost. I lostto be trusted. I even lost Fingertips!
I can‘t Life like I really give into, Iturn very vegetative. I had all first kisses, first hugs, first sex, first timeof many illegal things. I didn’t hadeverything the first time. First timein arrest, first time being self-confident on my own. I felt often in a Insanity like something I ain’t, Hallucinations of things I fear and aren’t there.
My Dreams are very versatile. It paralyzed my Body, breaks everything I‘m made of like Glass even inside my Mouth. Made me fall inside myHead like, and it was very anxious to have, just have to hold that uncomfortable Dream long enough turning more stiff the longer I can hold it around my body and waking up because I was unable along it to breath and repeat that over. Or Dreams in which I did something Iwould never like to do in a Dream as if imagined by someone else. Ibelieve I have Lucidity inside me but never had a Reason to try it out as things are between fast and blazing fast. Dreams which changedtheir Structure like getting to a New World, Dreams that made me even Hope again that it was. Dreams that felt like Dying and Decaying, like a very long Time. Or being haunted by visibilty of a Person, opening the Eyes in the Sleep.
Help? With what. I can’t even figure out towards a Child what I want.
And I knew from my first Infatuation to quote “Hope dies Last.“ I lost even that desire to bewith that Person after a Period of 7Years. I needed to get to myself to be able to move on. Giving up on sincere feelings but unable to recognise myself.
So, who am I?